Now I was once a fool, it’s true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world’s a deeper blue
I’m sadder, but I’m wiser too
I swore I’d never love again
I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn’t worth the pain
But then I hear it call my name
“Cameron Carsen! Get off your lazy ass and come help us decorate!” Sophie screamed at me down the hallway. I sighed and forced myself into a sitting position on my bed.
She and Grace had been out in the living room for the past hour or so hanging posters and rearranging furniture while I was lying on my bed talking to Hunter online. Zac had come that morning to move in and he wanted me to come over in a few hours to see their room and hang out. I was still getting used to having to do something that another person wanted me to do instead of just living my life according to my own schedule. It wasn’t that I minded spending time with Hunter, obviously, but it was just that all I wanted to do the night before classes started was veg out with my roommates and watch TV.
“If there’s a picture of a baby in a flower pot or something out here I’m going to scream,” I announced as I made my way sluggishly down the hallway.
“No Anne Geddes, I promise!” Grace laughed, “I wouldn’t let her do that.”
“Awww, babies are cute. You two are such bitches,” Sophie frowned before putting the final piece of tape on the back of a Monet print she’d gotten over the summer.
“How could I possibly molest my boyfriend in here with a baby watching. Creepy,” I muttered, plopping down on the futon.
“You called him your boyfriend!” Sophie grinned and I rolled my eyes at her.
“Well he is. What else would I call him?”
“Well, four months ago he was your fuck buddy and we’d just never heard you officially use the boyfriend word yet,” Grace explained.
“I’m just glad you’re over Taylor,” Sophie said.
“Yup, completely over him,” I said, forcing a smile onto my face.
It wasn’t that I wasn’t over him. I definitely cared about Hunter a great deal and I liked him more than I’d liked any of my past boyfriends. The following year had ended so strangely, with Taylor and I hardly speaking and both of us spending time with our new significant others, so we hadn’t really had a chance to be around each other in our new lives.
“So, are we still eating sushi and watching lame movies tonight?” Grace asked.
“Hunter wants me to go over to his and Zac’s dorm room to check it out, so I guess I’ll have to take a rain check, or join you late.”
“Boo. School hasn’t even started yet and you’re already ditching us for Hunter,” Sophie scolded as she came over to sit next to me.
“Yeah! I had to practically beg Trevor to stay away tonight,” Grace said, sitting down next to Sophie.
“I’m sorry guys, what do you want me to say?” I asked, feeling increasingly uncomfortable and slightly as if the room was closing in on me. I’d always hated it when Sophie ditched out on plans to be with David and here I was doing the exact same thing to them.
“Just promise that you won’t make a habit of it,” Grace said.
“You know, I would promise that, but he’s just so good in bed that he’s hard to resist,” I teased.
“Yeah, we know he’s good. The walls aren’t soundproof, you know,” Sophie stated.
“We’ve been here one night and you’re already giving me shit about having sex when I’m sure you and David did the same!”
“I don’t care that you had sex,” Sophie laughed, “It just freaked me out that I could hear Hunter. David doesn’t make any noise, which is actually kind of annoying sometimes.”
“Neither does Trevor, but that’s kind of okay with me. He talks enough every other second we’re together, I kind of enjoy the quiet.” We all cracked up before falling into a comfortable silence.
“It looks good in here, guys. If I would’ve helped it would have looked like shit,” I stated.
“No, it just would’ve looked like you didn’t care, which you don’t. And it’s fine, we love you anyway,” Sophie said, reaching over in a vain attempt to pinch my cheeks. I glared at her and batted her hands away just as my cell phone started to ring in my pocket.
“I’m coming soon, calm down,” I muttered, answering the phone when I saw that Hunter’s name had showed up on the screen.
“Is that any way to talk to your boyfriend?” an all too familiar voice said back. I sat up straighter and stiffened as the unexpected voice filled my ear.
“Why are you answering Hunter’s phone?” I asked, absolutely unable to hide the shock and mild annoyance in my voice.
“I was helping Zac move in and Hunter was going to give you a call so I thought I’d say hi,” Taylor responded, laughing at me slightly, “What, are you embarrassed because you almost told him how bad you want to suck him off or something?”
“Dude! Shut the fuck up!” I heard Hunter yell before a series of shuffling noises came through the phone, leading me to determine that Hunter was wrestling his phone back from Taylor. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay, Tay’s just a douchebag,” I said, running my free hand through my hair, “I was just getting ready to leave, okay?”
“Sounds good. I’ll see you soon!” he said before hanging up.
“Well ladies, I need to get over there.”
“Is Taylor there or something?” Sophie asked.
“Yeah, he’s the one who called me on Hunter’s phone. He’s such a loser,” I muttered as I stood and stretched.
“Have fun. I’m going to eat your California roll!” Sophie shouted at me as I shoved my ID and keys in my pocket and headed out the door.
“Don’t you dare. I’ll be back later, and I want my damned sushi!” I yelled as the door shut.
The walk across campus was hot but familiar. I’d never noticed it before, but there was a feeling radiating through campus. Everyone was excited and happy to see each other and no one was stressed out yet. For the first time in my years at Iowa, I felt like I had something to look forward to. It felt as if my eyes were opening to a whole new side of school.
I had finally decided to focus on theater for my major and would eventually go on to grad school for a Master’s in theater management. I still loved music and had made up my mind to keep studying it as a minor. That meant that I got to spend a lot of time with Hunter, but would still get to spend some time with Taylor as well.
The idea of spending time with Taylor now was interesting because it felt so different. No longer was I pining away for him. No longer was I desperately clinging for each second spent. I’d wasted so much of my time wanting him when the reality was that he and I had never really been an option. It was mainly because I was never really secure enough to say something, to admit to him how I felt.
Guys are dense and can’t figure girls out on their own. They usually want what is obvious and right in front of them, like Brooklynn, or something that they have to work for. I’d been too available, too needy, too obvious, and too much of a friend. God, I hated the friend zone. The friend zone had almost stopped Hunter and I from dating and it had completely ruined any chances of Taylor and I ever being an item.
The thing that surprised me the most as I made my way to Hunter and Zac’s dorm was that I was more annoyed than anything that Taylor was going to be there. I knew that he made Hunter really uncomfortable. I mean, he wasn’t stupid and he knew that feelings, especially such strong ones, don’t just disappear. But, I couldn’t help but smile as I approached the familiar building. The walk through the busy lobby seemed like a welcome case of déjà vu and I almost found myself getting sad that I wouldn’t be living in that cozy, fun dorm lifestyle again. But then I reminded myself that I had my own bedroom and I realized that off-campus living wasn’t so bad after all.
Hunter and Zac were living on the third floor, just down the hall from where Taylor, Jackson, and Chris had lived the following year. The all too familiar scent of stale cleaning products and boy stink filled my nose and I made my way down the hallway as fast as possible, side-stepping clueless guys shoving futon mattresses and rolls of carpet into their rooms the whole way down.
“Since when does everyone move in the day before classes start?” I asked as I stepped into the room.
“Since campus changed the rules and everyone has to move into the dorms on Sunday. I had to pay a fee to move in yesterday,” Hunter said before stepping over some of Zac’s boxes to kiss me.
“Lame!” I exclaimed. I looked around the room and found it empty save the huge mess Zac was making in an attempt to unpack. “Where’d those crazy Hanson boys go?” I asked, perching myself on the edge of Hunter’s bed, which was an oasis of order in the midst of the craziness. He sat down close next to me and kissed my cheek.
“They’re hauling the last few boxes up from Taylor’s car. I could’ve offered to help, but then realized that I did all of my moving by myself yesterday and that I really don’t care about making his life any easier,” he laughed.
“And why is that?”
“Because the second he got here he launched into a whole spiel about how you are not allowed to spend the night here when he is in the room because he doesn’t want to listen to us having sex. I tried to tell him that we wouldn’t do that, but he just wouldn’t believe me.”
“Oh, we’d totally do that,” I grinned, swinging one leg over his lap and straddling him before he could do anything.
“Oh we would?” he laughed. I just nodded and kissed him.
“Jesus! This is what I was talking about!” Zac exclaimed as he came in the room, “I’m not going to watch you two hump each other all year.”
“We’re not humping, as you so nicely put it,” I rolled my eyes as I slid back to my previous spot, “And what crawled up your ass and died anyway?”
“He’s just freaking out,” Taylor explained as he hefted a box into the room.
“I’m not freaking out,” Zac defended, “It’s just that I start college tomorrow and it’s already four and I haven’t unpacked anything yet and I do not want to spend my first night at school listening to those two go at it all night.”
“Let it go, Zac,” Taylor said, dropping the box onto a stack next to Zac’s desk before sitting down in his desk chair.
“Yeah, you don’t want to start off all pissy. That’s not good for roommate bonding,” Hunter said before turning to whisper in my ear, “Zac’s not really mad at us, he just gets like this when he’s stressed. He’ll be fine, don’t worry.”
“Who’s worried?” I asked.
“Well, that was the last box. Do you want me to help you finish unpacking?” Taylor asked Zac.
“No, I think I can handle that on my own. I’ll just see you tomorrow, okay?” Zac said, taking a deep breath before opening one of the duffel bags in the middle of the floor.
“Yeah. Cams, you want to come with me? Jackson and Chris want to see you,” Taylor said. I looked at Hunter for approval and he nodded at me.
“I was kind of hoping to just hang out with Zac tonight, so go ahead,” he offered.
“All night?” I asked, lowering my voice.
“Is that okay?” he asked, smiling at me when I stuck my bottom lip out in an exaggerated pout.
“I guess,” I said before kissing him goodbye, “Bye Zac. Don’t worry, you and Hunter can have as much sex as you want tonight.”
“Screw you,” Zac laughed.
“Oh no, I won’t be getting screwed at all tonight thanks to you,” I retorted before leaving with Taylor, sending a smile in Hunter’s direction before shutting the door behind us.
“It feels weird being in here, doesn’t it?” Taylor asked as we passed his old door.
“Yeah, it makes me feel old even though we just lived here, what? Three months ago?”
“It feels longer. A lot longer,” he admitted, holding the door to the stairs open for me.
I passed through and looked up at him with a smile as I brushed past him. The whole walk down the stairs I waited for my heart to flutter, for my skin to break out in goosebumps when his arm accidentally touched mine, but it didn’t. We just walked out of the building in the comfortable silence common to most old friends, but not common to us.
“Which way is fastest?” I asked him. He nodded to the left and we headed off down that sidewalk. “So, are you all settled in your room?”
“I guess,” he shrugged, “I don’t really care about putting stuff on the walls or anything. I got all of my clothes put away and my computer set up and that’s all I care about for now.”
“Me, too. Sophie and Grace have been decorating and I could give a shit. But, if it makes them happy, then I’ll let them do it.”
“I know, Jackson and Chris have been decorating, too,” Taylor said. I stopped in my tracks and looked at him incredulously.
“Are you serious?” I asked.
“Of course not! What do you think they’ve been doing? Drinking beer and being obnoxious. It’s what they do best.”
“That it is. How thrashed are they already?”
“Well, it’s four, so, they’re probably pretty smashed. I just hope they don’t miss the whole first day of classes like they did last year,” he laughed.
I smiled and we walked most of the way only making little side comments. The farther we walked, the more uncomfortable I got. None of our old fire was there. We were being totally nice and it almost made my skin crawl.
“Do you seriously live on the fourth floor?” I groaned as we made the incredibly long trek up the stairs to his apartment.
“Yeah. It obviously wasn’t our first choice, but it was all that was left by the time we signed the lease,” he explained.
“I just can’t wait to see you drunk asses making your way up these someday. That’ll be quite the show.”
“Cams!“ Jackson screamed from the doorway when we finally reached their floor, “Chris! It’s Cams!” He practically ran over and hugged me so hard I could barely breathe.
“Cams!” Chris exclaimed, putting an arm around my shoulders and pulling me into their apartment, “You’re way too sober!”
“It’s four-thirty in the afternoon on a Sunday,” I laughed.
“And your point is?” Jackson asked, pushing a can of beer into my hand.
“Jackson, how long have we known Cameron?” Taylor asked, taking the beer from my hand.
“Um, since freshman year?” he asked.
“And has she ever had a beer in the entire time we’ve known her?”
“Um, no?”
“Then why do you think she’s going to have one now?” Taylor asked.
“I don’t know. I mean, she’s got a boyfriend now and she’s not as bitchy anymore. Who knows how else she’s changed,” he said, obviously trying to get a rise out of me.
“For the record, I’m as much of a bitch as I ever was,” I replied, sitting down on their futon.
“Oh Cams,” Taylor started as if he was about to disagree, “You’re right.”
There it was, the old Taylor and Cameron that I had been looking for, or at least it was a shell of what we had used to be. It was forced and awkward, but at least it was a start.