You must be my Lucky Star
‘Cause you make the darkness seem so far
And when I’m lost you’ll be my guide
I just turn around and you’re by my side
The comfortingly familiar strains of “Without You” flooded my ears as I walked toward the music building. Taylor and I had a practice session planned for six o’clock, and I was supposed to go meet Hunter when we were finished. For the last four days, it felt like I had done pretty much nothing other than practice. I hadn’t taken music very seriously for the last several years. I’d hardly even thought about it other than taking the assigned courses, actually, since I’d started school. And now there I was, fully immersed and preparing to throw myself to the wolves.
Singing in front of Taylor had gotten easier. He gave me honest feedback, but always kept things positive. I’m sure that he just knew how nervous I was and that was what kept the dickishness at bay, but he had been helpful. Surprisingly helpful. It was the night before auditions, and even though I knew I was ready, I was still nervous.
I yawned as I walked down the practice room hallway flanked on either side by a row of doors. A peek in each showed that Taylor was no where in sight. It was five minutes past six. I was late, and apparently, so was he. Just as I was getting settled at a piano in one of the open rooms, a light knock sounded on the door. When I turned, I saw Taylor lingering outside.
“We’re not working in here today,” he said, nodding toward the hallway. I shot him a questioning look, gathered up my things, and reluctantly followed him.
“Then where are we working?”
“Just follow me,” he said, the irritation in his voice not lost on me. He led the way out of the practice room area and all the way to the other side of the building wherel I found myself entering what I knew to be a small performance hall. I assumed that he just wanted me to get some experience practicing on an actual stage, and I had to agree that it was actually a good idea. As soon as I was in the room enough to see the audience seating, however, I stopped in my tracks and felt my heart drop to my feet. Siting in the front row were Sophie, Grace, Chris, Jackson, Zac, Jamison, and Hunter, who jumped up and onto the stage as soon as he saw me.
“What are you doing here?” I asked once I’d accepted a quick kiss from him.
“You… invited me?” he said, looking at Taylor, who was fussing with the piano bench, “Or Taylor did.”
“Mother fucker, “I grumbled under my breath, “Taylor Hanson!”
He took a deep breath before standing and turning to face me.
“Look, you’re not going to do well tomorrow if I’m the only person you’ve sang in front of. There are going to be multiple judges and random people sitting in the audience, not to mention the fact that you’re going to be nervous. You need to sing in front of other people, but since I knew that you wouldn’t agree to it, I had to send texts from your phone when I borrowed it to look something up in class today.”
“You had no right to-” I started, taking another step toward him and feeling my face flush. I was so angry, and embarrassed and terrified of singing in front of all of them, that I could barely see straight.
“I had every right to. You asked me to help you get ready, so that’s what I’m doing. Now shut up, go over by the piano, and sing so we can all go home,” he barked at me. I could feel Hunter tense, but I just gave his hand a squeeze and looked up at him.
“It’s okay,” I whispered, “You can go sit down.” I didn’t miss the glare that Hunter sent in Taylor’s direction, but he did as I’d requested and went back to his seat next to Jamison. My shoulders slumped a little as I finally crossed the small stage and dropped my messenger bag on top of the piano. Taylor already had the music for “Without You” on the stand and ready to play.
“Are you ready?” he asked.
“I’m pissed off at you, that’s what I am.”
“I’ll take that as a ‘Thank you.’ You know that I’m right about this, so just sing. It’ll all be over in ten minutes.”
I closed my eyes and raked my fingers through my hair, turning my back on my small and probably incredibly confused audience to yank my long blond locks into a pony tail. Only once I felt as comfortable as I knew I was going to feel did I turn around. Everyone was was giving me an encouraging look, and I opened my mouth to explain to them what was going on. But just as soon as I’d done that, I snapped it back shut. It didn’t matter how they’d all wound up sitting in that room. What mattered is that they were there, and as much as it physically pained me to admit it, Taylor was right.
So, I took a deep breath and gave Taylor a little nod, cuing him to start playing. My legs were shaking, my heart was throbbing, and my fingertips were death-gripped onto the edge of the piano, but I started singing. The first few measures sounded more like a cat getting its tail stepped on than anything else, and I found eyes drawn to Hunter. He was smiling at me so widely that I couldn’t help but return the grin.
I maintained eye contact with him until I felt that it would be okay to look away, and when I did, I realized that I had let go of the piano, too. After about a minute, I took a tentative step forward, finding that I miraculously didn’t fall. Another couple of lines later and I tried another step. Same results. At the end of the song, they all clapped and cheered loudly for me, and I decided that I could move around when I sang “Gimme Gimme” like I’d always practiced alone in my bedroom. What did I have to lose? Besides my precious dignity, of course.
As the song progressed, I could still feel the nerves prickling away at me. My palms were sweating, and every once and awhile, a breath that I took in came shaky and I almost let myself panic. But, no matter how bad the nerves were, I just forced myself to get to the end of the song. When I finished, I let out a huge whooshing breath, and leaned against the piano. I felt a hand grab onto my elbow and turned to find Taylor giving me a shit-eating grin.
“Don’t you feel better now?” he asked.
“No,” I lied, my gaze distracted by Hunter coming running up to the stage. He picked me up in a crushing hug.
“You were great!” he whispered in my ear before setting me down.
“Great job, Cam,” Sophie said from the edge of the stage where she and Grace were now standing.
“Thank you for coming. Everyone, thank you for coming. This really helped a lot.”
“You’re a superstar, Miss Carsen,” Jackson shouted out as he, Chris, and Zac headed for the door, “We’ll see you on stage again when you get the part.”
“You’re going to get the part you want, whatever it is,” Jamison said, smiling up at me.
“We’ll see,” I laughed, feeling Hunter’s arm sneak around my waist.
“Are you coming home now?” Grace asked.
“We’re going to grab some dinner and then we’ll head home,” I told them before they headed out as well.
“You’re going to do great tomorrow,” Taylor told me, closing the Thoroughly Modern Millie songbook and handing both books to me.
“I don’t know…” I trailed off, leaning into Hunter’s side.
“Do you want the part?”
“Of course I do.”
“No, you don’t. Not really.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean? I’m just nervous because of my-“
“Stop making excuses. If you want the part, then go get the part. If you bitch and complain about your stage fright, if you let it control you, then you’re never going to get past it. I’ve done everything that I can to help you. So, stop whining and just fucking do it,” he said, looking pointedly at me before exiting the stage.
“What an asshole,” I muttered, shoving the books back in my bag and fighting the embarrassed flush that was threatening to break out across my cheeks. When Hunter didn’t respond, I turned to look at him and found that I was standing all alone on the stage. “Oh shit.”
I dashed for the door that Taylor and I had entered through, and immediately heard the sound of raised voices. Following the sound wasn’t hard, and I found them just around the corner.
“I’m trying to help her,” Taylor said. He was leaning against the wall, trying his hardest to look casual, but I could tell from the look in his eyes that he was a little intimidated by Hunter.
“You can do that without being an ass.”
“Look Hunter, I’ve been friends with her since long before you even met her. We’ve always talked to each other that way. And, believe it or not, I know things about her that you don’t. When she’s being a stubborn ass, the only way that you can get through to her is by being one right back. She can get this part if she stops psyching herself out. No amount of hugs and smiles and ‘You’re so awesome’s’ is going to make that happen.”
Hunter was opening his mouth to respond, but I stepped in before he could.
“Let’s go get dinner,” I interrupted, linking an arm through his and starting to pull him back down the hallway, hoping that neither of them would say anything else. They didn’t.
“So, what was that all about?” I asked once we were outside. Hunter’s jaw was set and he wouldn’t make eye contact with me. “Hunter, come on.”
“I’m so fucking tired of the way he talks to you. I don’t care if you’re friends. That’s not the way that friends should treat each other, especially not in this situation.”
“It’s just the way he is, you know that.”
“And that makes it okay?”
“Of course it doesn’t. But getting upset about it and yelling at him isn’t going to change anything. Taylor’s an ass. He’s always been an ass and he’s always going to be an ass. But that doesn’t mean that he isn’t genuinely trying to help me. He just doesn’t know any other way.” We walked for a few minutes in silence. As we were approaching the Student Union, Hunter stopped and finally looked at me.
“He thinks he knows you better than I do. Is he right?” I took a step forward and smoothed a hand over his cheek.
“You know me better than anyone ever has, and I mean that,” I told him before giving him a long kiss, “Now let’s go get some food, go back to my place, and fool around until I forget all about my audition tomorrow. Can you handle that?”
His bright blue eyes were conflicted, but he put on a smile and nodded anyway. It was clear that his conversation with Taylor was still weighing heavily on him, and in a way that was a good thing. If I could focus my attention on making Hunter feel better, I would worry less about the nerves still prickling away in my stomach and the constant sweatiness of my palms.
I was able to keep myself distracted, with Hunter’s extraordinary help, for the rest of the night. But once my alarm went off in the morning, it was all I could do to pry myself from the mattress. At four that afternoon, I’d be waiting for my turn to get up on that expansive stage and sing my heart out. If I could dislodge it from my throat, that is.
My feet carried me to each class that day, but I didn’t pay attention to anything my professors said. I ate lunch in with Hunter, Jamison, and Zac, but I didn’t make a single contribution to the conversation. All I could do was focus on breathing in and out, and go over my monologue and songs in my head over and over. By the time my last class of the day rolled around, all I wanted was for auditions to start. The sooner they started, they sooner they’d be over and I could drink myself into a pathetic oblivion.
Hunter met me outside my last class and we walked together in silence all the way to the hall where auditions were being held. Instead of talking to me, he just held my hand, and I was thankful for that. My brain was swimming so much that I really couldn’t have responded to him even if I wanted to. We walked in and as I was getting ready to go inside, he stopped and pulled me aside, away from the other people milling around. I gave him a curious look since auditions were slated to start in just a few minutes, but he just looked sternly at me.
“I know that you’ve been freaking out all day, and you need to stop it. If you want this part, then go get it. Forget about your stage fright. There’s no reason for you to be scared. You’re amazing and you’re beautiful, and if you go up there and give that audition every bit of talent that you have, then you’ll get the part. If you keep being negative, you’re not going to get it. So make up your mind, and make the right choice,” he said before walking away and out the front doors. I stood there, blinking at the wall for several minutes until a hand settled in on my shoulder, startling me out of my shock.
“Ready to go in and knock them dead?” Jamison asked, his face immediately turning to one of concern when I turned to look at him, “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said, shaking my head to get rid of the cobwebs. I really was fine. A smile tugged at my lips as I headed into the theater. Hunter had clearly taken a page from Taylor’s book. But instead of just pissing me off the way it had with Taylor, it had sparked something in me. “I’m going to rock this.”
“Yes you are, and so am I,” Jamison grinned. We took seats in the middle of the theater with the couple dozen other people waiting to audition, and we waited. And waited. After a dozen really excellent auditions, Jamison was called up. He did as amazing of a job as I’d imagined he would, and the director looked really impressed and was jotting down notes until Jamison was plopping back down in the seat next to me. I didn’t say anything to him, just held out a fist and waited for him to bump his own knuckles against mine. He laughed as he did so, and I smiled at him.
A half hour later, they called my name. I waited for the butterflies to take flight in my stomach, but they didn’t. This was it. I’d either get the part or I wouldn’t, but there was no way that I was going to keep letting that little 6th grade bitch Hannah Dooley ruin my life. If I bombed, then I would bomb spectacularly. I took a deep breath after handing off my music, and started to sing.
It felt like I was only up there for a few seconds. I moved around the stage and sang my heart out. Sure, my palms were still sweaty, and a few of the breaths I inhaled were shaky, but I was determined not to let it show. Once I was done singing, I stepped to center stage to do my monologue from You’re A Good Man, Charlie Brown. It was then that something caught my eye. Hunter was sitting in the back row beaming at me, and warmth spread throughout my chest.
“Now Linus, I want you to take a good look at Charlie Brown’s face. Would you please hold still a minute, Charlie Brown, I want Linus to study your face. Now, this is what you call a Failure Face, Linus. Notice how it has failure written all over it. Study it carefully, Linus. You rarely see such a good example. Notice the deep lines, the dull, vacant look in the eyes. Yes, I would say this is one of the finest examples of a Failure Face that you’re liable to see for a long while,” I said, giving it as much feeling and expression as I could.
I forced myself not to look at the director as I exited the stage. If he wasn’t writing anything down, I didn’t want to know. I’d know tomorrow morning what he’d thought of my performance. Right now, all I cared about was getting my hands on Hunter. Jamison and I headed down the aisle and Hunter rose when we reached him. Together, we left the theater. As soon as we were in the lobby, I flung myself into Hunter’s arms and kissed him.
“Thank you,” I whispered against his lips.
“So it worked?”
“It worked. I couldn’t have done it without you. You’re pretty great, you know that?”
Hunter just smiled and draped his arm around my shoulders.
“So, we’re drinking tonight, right?” Jamison asked.
“Is it Friday?” I asked.
“Yes…”
“Then we’re drinking,” I explained, “But not too drunk. Call-backs are tomorrow.”
“At noon! I can’t wait,” Jamison said, “I really hope I get the part I want.”
“And that is?”
“You’ll just have to wait and see,” he said, “Now let’s go party.”
“Nothing like a little pre-celebration to kick things off,” Hunter laughed as he pushed open the doors. My phone started vibrating in my bag, but I ignored it and just walked out into the sunshine.