No one could ever know me
No one could ever see me
Seems like you’re the only one who knows
What it’s like to be me
Someone to face the day with
Make it through all the rest with
Someone I’ll always laugh with
Even at my worst
I’m best with you
“Are you serious?”
“Like a heart attack,” I responded, loving the astounded look on Taylor’s face a little too much.
“You’re going to try out for Avenue Q. But you hate singing in front of people,” he said, lounging back into the lumpy couch in their living room and shaking his head.
“It’s my favorite musical. I’ll probably make a Grade A ass out of myself, but I have to try out. I’ve never felt compelled before because I had no chance and they’ve always done stupid shows that I had no interest in being the cast for. But since this is a second show for the fall since they’re doing Les Mis, too, I thought that I might have more of a chance this time. Probably not, but whatever,” I said, trying to blow it off. I didn’t want him or anyone else to know how nervous I was to audition.
“You’re an amazing singer. You’re going to do great,” he said. My heart beat three times in rapid succession, and my hand flew to press against it, which I promptly covered by adjusting the strap of my tank top.
That had been happening more and more often, those little quivers and flutters, and I hated it. I was with Hunter and I was happy. But no matter how hard I tried to shove any residual feelings for Taylor aside, every once and awhile they would just pop back up and make me feel like the world’s most awful girlfriend.
Ever since our little talk at Quizno’s, Taylor and I had been back to normal. Well, as normal as we could be. At first, I’d expected Hunter to balk at the fact that Taylor and I were again spending time together, but he’d been surprisingly okay with it. I knew it was genuine because I’d examined his face as hard as I could to be sure that he wasn’t lying about it, but he wasn’t. It made me feel good that maybe he was finally starting to fully trust me, but then my heart would go and skip a beat and I’d be back to feeling terrible again.
“Well, I’ll just be happy when it’s all over and done with. Auditions are Friday,” I explained.
“Yeah, I know. I’m auditioning to play piano in the pit,” he shrugged, and my eyes almost bugged out of my head. I gave him a hard shove, sending the notebook on his lap falling off onto the couch.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I just did! It’s good resume padding,” he said, “Is Hunter trying out?”
“He’s not much with the singing, but he’s going to do one of the crews. We have to do something since we’re Theater Majors,” I said.
“Matching majors. How adorable.”
“Fuck off,” I rolled my eyes.
“So, do you need any help picking songs for your audition?” I scoffed and flipped a page in my History of Theater–aka. the class so boring it rivaled our music theory class from the previous year–book.
“I’ve been taking voice lessons since my freshman year of high school. I’ve got it covered.”
“Well, what are you singing then?” he prodded.
I threw down my pen and raked my fingers through my hair. I hadn’t decided on my two songs yet, but I had it narrowed down to twenty or so options. It was better than the fifty I’d started with. Jackson and Chris burst in the door, and I sighed with relief. The topic of conversation would definitely change now, and that was a good thing.
“Cams!” Jackson exclaimed.
“What’re you two up to on this lovely September afternoon?” Chris asked, plopping down next to me.
“Homework,” Taylor said, gesturing to the empty page in his notebook. I could have added that it was the same empty page he’d been staring at for the past hour, but didn’t. If it didn’t bother him that he was being incredibly unproductive, I saw no reason to stick my nose in his business.
“We’re just surprised to see you. I think this is the first time all year that we’ve come home and found you here,” Jackson said, “We’ve missed you!”
“I’ve missed you guys, too. I’m not exactly sure why, but I have.”
“Because we’re painfully handsome and hung like horses?” Chris suggested.
“That must be it,” I rolled my eyes, picking my pen back up and diving headfirst back into my homework. I managed to finish my assignment, even though Taylor had hardly written two sentences, and I left at five to meet Hunter for dinner.
“Well hello there,” he grinned as I approached his table. I bent down to place a lingering kiss to his lips, unable to stop myself from slipping him a little tongue despite the very public setting. He just looked so adorable there with his homework spread all around his supper tray that I couldn’t help it.
“How’s it going?” I asked, plopping down in the chair next to his.
“Almost done with my Government homework. I frigging hate this class,” he shook his head.
“I actually managed to get my History of Theater stuff done even though the guys were making no efforts to be quiet,” I said, “Oh, and apparently Taylor’s auditioning to play the piano in the pit for Avenue Q.”
“Seriously?” Hunter asked, crinkling up his nose a bit, “Why?”
“He says it’s good resume padding. I have a feeling that it’s probably because the She-Beast likes Avenue Q, and he’s still hoping to get back in her good graces.”
“You’re probably right,” Hunter laughed, “Have you decided what you’re singing for your audition?”
I didn’t mind talking about this with Hunter. He, unlike some people, was capable of just listening and not making smart-ass comments about every little thing. Whatever song I could have told to Taylor, he surely would have had something to say about it.
“I’ve got it narrowed down, but there are a few that just keep popping up in my head, so I think I need to bump those to the top of the list.”
“Will you sing them for me?” he teased, clearly already knowing the answer.
“Absolutely not,” I sassed, stealing one of his fries.
“Don’t you think you should get a little practice and sing it to someone other than your shower head?”
“Nope. And besides, I’ve already done my monologue for you about fifty times,” I said, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go get some food before I eat half of your dinner.”
He came back to the apartment with me after we’d finished eating and finished up his homework on my bed while I scrolled repeatedly through my iTunes library. After debating and procrastinating for close to an hour, I finally took a deep breath and turned around.
“I picked my audition pieces,” I announced, trying my hardest to choke down my nerves. Hunter looked up and smiled at me.
“So, what’d you settle on?”
“For my ballad I’m going to do ‘Without You’ from Rent, and for my up-tempo one I’m doing ‘Gimme Gimme’ from Thoroughly Modern Millie,” I said.
“Nice. I still think you should sing them for me, though,” he said, tapping the end of his highlighter against the book he was reading. I sighed dramatically and flopped down next to him on my back so I could look up at him. His bright blue eyes were staring down at me in a way I knew very well. He was about to kiss me, and I had no complaints.
His soft lips captured mine over and over, and I pulled on his shirt until he came to rest on top of me. As his mouth moved to my neck, I slid my hand up the front of his shirt, briefly exploring his hard stomach before shimmying my hand down the front of his pants.
“Hey now,” he grinned against my neck, “I still have a lot of homework to do.”
“Me, too,” I breathed, grasping him in my hand, “It’s a really hard assignment.”
“Yeah it is,” he gasped as I slowly started to move my hand, his mouth immediately seeking out mine again. The distraction was exactly what I needed, because the next day, I’d have to get my ass in gear if I had any hopes of actually getting the role that I wanted.
As Hunter and I were walked to class together the next morning, my stomach was fluttering. Even though he’d been good about letting Taylor and I hang out for the last week or so, I didn’t want to push my luck. He had very good reasons for having suspicions given how things had been the previous school year, and even though my intentions were pure, I wasn’t sure that he would see it that way. But god, I really hoped that he would.
“So,” I started, lacing my fingers with his, “Now that I’ve picked out my audition pieces, I’m going to need to work on them a lot for the next few days. I already know them well, but I have to practice them with a pianist to get ready.”
“And that means you’re going to be spending even more time with Taylor,” he finished for me.
“He’s the only piano player I know, and even though he’s a dick and I’m probably going to regret letting him be critical of my singing, I do trust his opinion when it comes to this stuff,” I said.
“And you don’t trust mine?” he asked. His tone was teasing, but I knew there was a chance I might have seriously offended him, and my mind fled for something to say that would fix things.
“That’s not what I meant,” I said, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk and stepping in front of him. I didn’t care if I was blocking anyone’s way. “I’m really, really nervous about this. More nervous than I’ve let on. I want this so badly, and I’m terrified that I’m going to make a fool out of myself. If I’m going to mess up, I don’t want to do it in front of you. I just want you to be proud of me.”
“First of all, I’m proud of you just for auditioning. And I know that you think you’re good at hiding your emotions, but I’ve been very aware of how nervous you are. If you don’t want to sing your audition songs for me, that’s fine, but don’t think for one second that I would be anything other than supportive of you. Secondly, I’ve heard you sing and you’re amazing, so there’s no way I could possibly be anything other than blown away by you. More than I already am, that is.”
“You’re so lame,” I smiled, stepping forward to kiss him, “But you’re sweet. And I know that you’re supportive, and that’s what makes me want to keep my distance. I need someone who can be really honest with me about how the songs sound. I can take a critical comment from Taylor, but I don’t think I could rebound from hearing one from you. That’s all.”
“I understand, and that’s why I’m fine with you spending the time with Taylor. As long as we get time together every day, even if it’s just a few minutes.”
“We can do a lot with a few minutes,” I laughed.
“Yes, we can. But we do so much better when we have more time.” He kissed me and nodded down the path. “I’d better get going. See you tonight?”
I nodded and watched him walk away, my heart thudding in my chest, finding myself once again so glad that I’d decided to stop being a moron and let Hunter into my life. Breaking me out of my reverie, my cell phone started to ring in my bag. I dug it out and saw a number I didn’t recognize on the screen. Frowning at the unfamiliar number, I answered the call.
“Hello?”
“Cameron, it’s Jamison.”
“Oh, hi!” I said, sighing a little with relief and turning onto the sidewalk that would lead me to my first class of the day, “To what do I owe the pleasure?”
“Hunter told me that you’re auditioning for Avenue Q, and I am, too. The thing is, I really don’t know many people here yet and was hoping that maybe you’d be willing to listen to my songs. I just need someone to give me some critique. I’ll buy you lots of drinks at the next party we go to!” he said, obviously trying to entice me.
“I’d be happy to, no need to buy me drinks. Well, maybe just one,” I laughed, “I’m meeting Taylor in a practice room at four today to go through my stuff, so would you want to meet me at 3:30 so we can do it before then?”
“Sounds good to me. I’ll see you then!” he said before hanging up. I smiled amusedly to myself and headed into the building, preparing to be bored out of my mind for the next few hours.
At three-thirty that afternoon, I found myself seated at a piano in a small practice room, plunking out the parts to my solos off of the sheet music in front of me and waiting for Jamison to show up. I’d managed to find the two songbooks I needed in amongst the box of random stuff under my bed, and I had been spending most of the afternoon trying to prepare myself for Taylor’s words. I hadn’t wanted to even tell him what songs I was doing the day before, but now that I had finally made my decision, I had to swallow my pride and admit that giving him a chance to speak his mind would really be for the best. It might not be pretty for awhile, but in the long run, it’d help me have a better audition.
A light knock sounded on the door, and I turned to find Jamison peeking in through the small window. I motioned for him to come in, and he did, pretty much beaming as he shut the door behind him.
“That you so much for helping me,” he said, “I’ve sung these songs a thousand times, but I want to run them by someone else before Friday.”
“I completely understand. That’s why I’m meeting Taylor,” I said, “So, what are you singing?”
“‘Anthem’ from The Scarlet Pimpernel and ‘Betrayed’ from The Producers,” he explained, digging the books out of his bag and handing them to me, “Do you think they’re good choices?”
“Well, ‘Anthem’ is gorgeous and ‘Betrayed’ is hilarious. The show’s a comedy, so I think that if you can really show off during that one, it’ll really help your chances.”
“That’s what I’m hoping,” he smiled, “Can you just give me my starting note, please?”
“Of course!” I played the note for him, and then settled in to listen.
I didn’t know what to expect. All I knew about Jamison was that he’d transferred in and was a Theater major who had been looking for bigger opportunities. I was in no way prepared to hear the absolutely stunning sound come out of his mouth when he sang the first phrases of ‘Anthem.’ He stopped about halfway through, and gave me a concerned look.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“You’re amazing,” I uttered, my mouth practically hanging open, “Keep going, please.”
He let out a little nervous laugh and raked his fingers through his hair.
“You don’t have to say that just because-“
“I’m saying it because it’s true. I didn’t know what to expect, but you have an amazing voice. I want to hear the rest and then I’ll give you my thoughts, okay?”
“I want you to be completely honest. I have a part in mind that I really want, and I need you to be upfront with me.”
“I will be, now stop talking and keep singing,” I told him, settling in on the piano bench to hear the rest.
We were just finishing up when Taylor started kicking the door, waiting to be let in. I huffed and rolled my eyes at him before standing to open the door. He had a cup of coffee in each hand and shoved one at me as he stepped over the threshold.
“What’s up?” he asked as he dumped his bag unceremoniously to the floor and set his coffee on top of the piano.
“Just helping Jamison get ready for his audition,” I explained, watching as Jamison gathered up his things.
“I tried to get her to sing for me, but she wouldn’t,” Jamison teased, “She really helped me out, though. I’ll see you guys on Friday at auditions.”
As soon as he was out the door and it had latched noisily behind him, Taylor turned and gave me a questioning look.
“So, was he any good?”
“He’s unbelievable. He’s going to get a lead role for sure,” I said honestly, opening my Rent songbook to the right page and handing it to him.
“No shit? Well, that’s good,” Taylor said, shaking his head and smiling a little, “So, what’s the final verdict?”
“‘Without You’ and ‘Gimme Gimme.’ So, I need you to just listen, and then give me your worst. I need you to be honest, but if you could do that without being a total dickface, I’d really appreciate it.”
“Do you really think I’d be rude to you about this? Wait, don’t answer that.” I cocked an eyebrow at him and jabbed my finger at the music.
“Start playing. I want to get this over with,” I admitted. He took a moment to look at the first page, and then started to play. The second the first notes filled my ears, I could feel my body break out in chills and I swiped my sweating palms against the sides of my jean shorts. My heart was throbbing in my throat, and it was all I could do to grab on to the piano before everything started spinning. I barely even registered that he’d stopped playing.
“Cams,” he said, reaching out to put his hand over mine, “You can do this. It’s just me.”
I nodded and took a deep breath. It was only Taylor now, but it would be a lot more people on Friday. Even more than that if I got the part and had to do it on stage in front of crowds and my castmates. I wanted it more than I had wanted most things in my life. Playing Kate Monster was something I’d dreamed about ever since I had first heard the show. Stage fright was something that had plagued me my entire life, though, and I needed to come up with something other than alcohol to take away the hysteria.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” I whispered.
“Just picture the audience in their underwear. Or naked. I do that anyway, even though I don’t get nervous.”
“Pervert,” I said, finally laughing and feeling myself relax a little, “It’s funny. I don’t get nervous in plays, and I’m obviously not shy. I’m not freaking out about the monologue at all. It’s just the singing. I had a really bad experience when I was little, and it’s just terrified me ever since.”
“What happened?” he asked. I reached for the coffee he’d brought me and took a long sip.
“I was in a school musical when I was in sixth grade, and I had the lead. I was so ready for the show, I had all of my lines memorized, and was really excited. And then the little bitch who had wanted my part but hadn’t gotten it completely psyched me out before the show, telling me how some of our classmates had said that I wasn’t a very good singer and they were all hoping that I didn’t mess it up. When I got up on stage, I couldn’t sing at all. No sound would come out. Now, I know that she was just jealous and freakishly evil even for an eleven year old, but yeah. Ever since then, I’ve just completely clammed up.”
“That’s right around when your mom died, too, isn’t it?” Taylor asked. My head jerked to look at him. My throat constricted and I was left with only the option to dumbly nod at him. He was right, but I’d never thought of the correlation before. My phone vibrated in my pocket, thankfully breaking up the lump in my throat, and I looked at it to find a text from Hunter.
I hope it’s going well! I’ll see you later. 🙂
Warmth spread through my chest, and I smiled down at the illuminated screen before firing off a quick response.
“I think I’m ready to do this,” I said. Taylor nodded and started playing again, and this time, I actually sang.