And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance
Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I’m so relentless and all strung out
I’m consumed by the chill of solitary
I’m like Estella
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I’m frustrated by your apathy
I wanted very badly to admit that telling Sophie and Grace about my mom made me feel better, but it hadn’t. I had cried, they had been as sympathetic as I had expected them to be, and then Hunter and I had gone to my room and laid down. I hadn’t had sex in days and for once, I didn’t care. I didn’t need sex, I needed support, and Hunter was providing that boyfriend feature just as well as he provided the other.
I skipped my morning class the next day, something I’d never done so far in college except for on my birthday. I’d never seen the point of skipping class and honestly, I rarely had anything better to do then go. Plus, it saved me hours of cramming right before tests, because typically, as long as I went to class and paid attention, I had to spend very little time studying. My roommates tended to hate for me that, but it was just how I operated.
My morning class was with Taylor, and I just wasn’t ready to be around him, so I just stayed in and caught a few extra hours of sleep before finally dragging myself out of bed. I knew that I was approaching some kind of depressive state with my constant tiredness and my general desire to do absolutely nothing, but also didn’t know how to get myself out of it.
I showered and grabbed my book and notebook for my afternoon class before heading out for the student union. Thankfully, Sophie and Grace were eating lunch there so I was able to sit with them instead of going through that awkward momentary panic of finding someone to sit with. On any normal day, I wouldn’t have minded eating by myself, but I knew that I’d been spending more than enough time by myself and therefore having some company at a meal would be a very good thing.
“There’s our little recluse!” Sophie greeted me with a big smile. I just gave her a pointed look before sitting down.
“How’re you doing? Did you make it to class this morning?” Grace asked.
“No, I didn’t go,” I told them.
“You overslept?” Sophie asked.
“No. I just didn’t go,” I stated, “And don’t look at me like that. I just couldn’t go.”
“You aren’t going to be able to avoid Taylor for forever,” Grace said.
“I don’t want to avoid him for forever. I want to avoid him today, and I really don’t think it’s that unreasonable.”
“It’s not unreasonable, Cam, it’s just not like you to skip class, that’s all,” Grace said. I rolled my eyes and was thankful when I saw Jackson and Chris walking in our direction.
“Hey guys!” I called out to them. They glanced at each other before heading over.
“Oh, hey Cams. Ladies,” Jackson said almost hesitantly.
“What’s up?” I asked them.
“Oh, the usual. You know,” Chris said awkwardly. I looked up at them questioningly and then it hit me.
They were being weird because Taylor and I currently weren’t okay and since they were Taylor’s roommates, we weren’t okay. I hated that it worked that way, but knew that if something was going down with Sophie and Grace, I’d probably be acting the same way to protect them.
“Good. Well, I just wanted to say hi,” I said, relieving them of the awkward situation I had put them in. They said their polite goodbyes before finding their own table.
“What the hell was that all about? That was by far the most civilized and sober I’ve ever seen those two,” Sophie stated.
“Since Taylor and I are currently not speaking, they can’t really speak to me either, now can they?” I asked, stabbing my fork hard into my salad.
“No, since they’re stupid boys and get weird about stuff like that,” Grace said. I just sighed and continued to violently attack my lunch.
The rest of lunch and my class that afternoon went fine. Without even thinking, I headed for Hunter and Zac’s dorm room after class, wanting nothing more than to just curl up on his bed and do my reading. I hated how needy I felt. I’d never been that kind of girl in my entire life, and had prided myself on being able to handle hard things on my own. I convinced myself the entire walk over that I was just clinging to Hunter because he was my boyfriend and I knew that I could, not because I actually needed him to get through.
I found him sitting at his desk, staring with disinterest at his computer screen.
“Well this is a surprise,” he said, obviously welcoming the distraction I was providing him. I just dropped my bag onto the floor and sat down on his lap. “How’re you doing?”
“Eh,” I said, leaning my forehead against his, “I just needed to see you.”
“Yeah?” he asked, sounding rather surprised. I nodded and looked over at his bed.
“Can we just go lay down for awhile? Are you busy?”
“I’m never too busy for you,” he said sweetly. I smiled at him and got off his lap so we could make our way to his bed. The plush black comforter looked so inviting and I couldn’t wait to spend some time with him relaxing. He laid down first and I climbed on next to him, resting my head on his arm so I could still look at him.
Even though Hunter and I had been dating for several months, it still surprised me that I liked him so much. Sure, he was gorgeous, but he was so nice and thoughtful and sweet to me. I had never been attracted to that before. I supposed I was just growing up, or that I had just grown out of wanting the unattainable assholes I had always gravitated towards in the past.
“This better?” he asked, rolling his head to the side so he could see me. I felt my body sink blissfully into the mattress and slid my hand over his hard stomach before nestling in.
“Much,” I mumbled against his arm, placing a light kiss there before closing my eyes with the intention of falling asleep, even if only for a few minutes.
My feeble attempt at slumber was halted suddenly as the door to their dorm room swung wide open, colliding noisily with the wall behind it from the force. The sound startled me so much that my head flew off of the comfort of Hunter’s arm. He instinctively curled his arm tight around my back as Zac entered followed closely by a laughing Taylor. The familiar sound of his laugh halted as soon as his gaze met mine and Zac turned to find the source of the disruption.
“Hey guys,” Zac said hesitantly, setting a paper grocery sack down on his desk. Taylor did the same and I watched him the entire time wondering if he’d be pleasant. I knew that he had no reason not to be. We hadn’t decided to be mortal enemies, but we’d also made no efforts to be particularly civil or even friendly, and that was the source of my speculation.
“Hi,” I said simply and Hunter did the same, pushing himself into a sitting position and therefore forcing me to do the same.
“How’s it going?” Taylor asked, thrusting his hands into his back pockets and facing us.
“Fine. You?” I replied, trying my hardest to sound nonchalant. In reality, it was killing me to not talk to him like I was used to. It was one thing when our friendship would go slightly stale over the summer or breaks when we went without speaking much, but when he was just within my grasp it was almost unbearable to know that we weren’t currently on good terms.
“I’m good,” he lied. I could tell that he was lying based on the fact that he was staring at the carpet remnant in the middle of their floor, trying to look tough. It was his tell, and it was a rather obvious one.
“What are you two up to?” Zac asked us. Hunter scooted back to lean against the wall, pulling me tight against his side before answering.
“Just relaxing,” he explained, reaching for my hand with his free one. I wanted to smack it away and tell him to stop being a jealous freak, but remembered my recent conversation with Jamison regarding Hunter’s feelings about my feelings for Taylor and let him hold my hand. If it made him feel more secure in our relationship, then he could hold my damned hand.
“Well, I’m just glad I’ve yet to walk in on you two going at it,” Zac laughed nervously, sneaking a sidelong glance at Taylor, obviously trying to gauge his current mood.
“It’s quite the show,” Taylor said sarcastically, unable to help himself from bringing up what was probably the most embarrassing moment of my entire life. I narrowed my eyes at him and fought the urge to call him every inappropriate and awful name in my colorful vocabulary.
“What are you talking about?” Zac asked.
“Nothing,” I answered for Taylor. There was no way that I was going to sit there and endure an entire conversation about the very naked, sweaty, and acrobatic position he’d caught Hunter and I in the midst of last spring. I wasn’t sure if he was planning to elaborate or not, but I decided to just nip it in the bud.
Taylor slowly raised his eyes to meet mine, or at least I thought he had. But, the eyes that found mine weren’t Taylor’s. They looked just like his, the same piercing color blue, the same shape, and position on his face. However, they lacked the sparkle that his eyes had always contained. That had always been what made him look alive and more special than the rest. Now they just looked tired and flat, and given the dickishness of his latest comment, a little bit mean. I almost blanched at the eye contact, but kept it inside, subconsciously squeezing Hunter’s hand tighter instead.
“Whatever,” Zac rolled his eyes, “I’ll find out eventually anyway.” Taylor didn’t meet my gaze again and in fact seemed to look at everything but me as his eyes scanned the room.
“I’m out of here,” he said before leaving without bidding any of us a proper goodbye.
“What the fuck is his problem?” I spat as soon as the door had shut again.
“Probably the same thing that’s your problem,” Zac sneered, “I’m so sick of you two, I swear to god.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.
“You two are miserable when you’re friends and you’re miserable when you’re not friends. It’s ridiculous. Just pick one, stick to it, and stop bitching constantly because I’m not the only one who’s tired of hearing about it,” he said, shoving the beer Taylor had obviously bought for him into their refrigerator.
“Is that so?” I asked, pulling myself from Hunter’s grasp and heading for the door.
“Cammy,” Hunter sighed as my fingers closed around the doorknob, “Where are you going?”
“I think I’m Hansoned out for the day. I’m going to my place,” I told him, completely ignoring Zac before leaving.
The walk across campus provided me with the time I needed to collect my thoughts and I was glad that Hunter hadn’t chased after me, insisting that he come along. As much as I enjoyed his company, I knew that if he had come I just would have ignored my issues with Taylor instead of attempting to figure them out.
Yes, we had decided that we were on a friend break of sorts, but did that really warrant ignoring and painfully awkward encounters? I’d never felt so horrendously uncomfortable around him before, not even when I was desperately in love with him. This felt worse, like that I’d already let him go from my heart in so many ways that if this friend part, the last part I had, slipped away then I’d have nothing left of Taylor. He’d be gone from me for forever.
I wasn’t ready to have him gone, but I certainly wasn’t going to be the one to go beg for forgiveness. I’d already told him that I wasn’t going to apologize for hitting Brooklynn and I certainly wasn’t going to go back on that now, especially since it was one of the few things I’d done in my life that I was positive had been the right move for me to make. Sure, it had caused me strife with one of my best friends, but the knowledge that I had defended my own honor and had given her one hell of a nasty bruise made it seem well worth it.
More than anything, I just hated the way Taylor made me feel. Even when we weren’t talking, I still felt like a crazy, over-analyzing asshole. That thought alone made my blood boil and I finished the rest of my walk seething, mere seconds away from muttering obscenities under my breath. My skin felt flushed and hot. In that anger-filled moment I felt more alive than I had in the last several days, which in turn only made my angrier. Taylor could still set my body afire, in a different way than in the past, but still.
I stormed through the apartment, thankful to see no signs of my roommates’ presence and was not at all surprised to see Hunter sitting calmly on my bed waiting for me to get there.
“I thought I’d drive over and see if you got home okay,” he offered lamely as I threw my bag onto the floor, “And apparently it’s a good thing I did since you’re so pissed off.” I wanted to tell him every thought that was going through my head but I knew that I couldn’t. He would interpret it wrong and get upset, understandably so.
As my eyes grazed over his body, noting every place where the fabric of his clothes lay snugly against his skin, a very different and more familiar heat coursed through me and I was on his lap straddling his body before either of us could do much about it. I wanted him more than I had wanted anything since that horrible night at Jake’s place; he above anyone else could keep the fire inside me going.
“I think my dry spell is over,” I whispered roughly in his ear before yanking his shirt over his head and running my hands over his warm, smooth chest. Hot, hard, perfect, and exactly what I needed.