“I never pegged Dominic for a bottom,” Flannery stated, sipping her beer in their usual lumpy booth at Finnigan’s. Taylor made a face at her before shoving a massive forkful of loaded fries into his mouth. He had been trying to steer the topic away from anything even remotely related to his traumas of late, but Flannery hadn’t been willing to let it go until she heard every detail. Finally, after almost a half hour of passive aggressive torture, he relented and told her a toned down but truthful account of the events.
“Just shut up and eat your food,” he grumbled once he had swallowed, “And could you talk a bit louder please? I don’t think that Donny back in the kitchen heard you.” She rolled her eyes and shook her head at him before dramatically spearing a bite of her potato salad and eating it with her mouth wide open.
“Happy now?” she asked, still chewing.
“Thrilled…” he said, and then Adrian walked into the restaurant and headed in their direction, “God damn it…”
“What?” Flannery asked. Taylor jerked his head in Adrian’s direction and Flannery followed the motion with her eyes, nodding sympathetically before scooting over to make room for Adrian.
“So, how’s it going?” Adrian asked as he sat down, helping himself to some of Taylor’s fries, prompting Taylor to smack his hand.
“Lousy,” Taylor replied. He had filled Adrian in on the incident that had taken place in his condo the morning before and they had agreed to meet to discuss how things were going and what Taylor’s next course of action should be.
“Oh you got laid, so just shut up,” Adrian said, “Your parents will deal with it eventually because you’re their son and they love you. It might take awhile, but they will. They’re not bad people, they just found out that their son might be gay from the media instead of from him.”
“You think I should have told them?”
“No, I’m just saying that they have the right to be mad that they had to find out that way.”
“That’s not all they’re mad about…” Taylor sighed, “They’ve always been very against homosexuality. I’m not sure that they’ll be able to move past this.”
“They will. I’ve seen it happen before,” Adrian replied, taking more of Taylor’s fries, “So, have you made a decision yet?”
“No,” Taylor said glumly. He had really hoped that sleeping with Dominic would solve all of his problems and he’d know one way or the other, but one good sexual encounter with Dominic didn’t erase or diminish all the good sexual encounters he’d had with girls in the past. The thing that was nagging at the back of his mind the most was the truly terrible sex he’d had with Tatum. Never before had he not had an orgasm during sex, but he didn’t know if it was because it was nasty, skanky Tatum or if it was because she was a girl.
“Well, let’s figure it out then,” Flannery said supportively, and Taylor filled them both in on the little train of thought he’d just had regarding his sex with Tatum.
“Hmm,” Adrian said, a look appearing on his face that Taylor had learned in recent weeks to distrust above all others. Adrian had a plan, but he obviously wasn’t going to share it right away. Instead of doing what Adrian wanted and asking, Taylor just sipped his drink and sighed loudly. They all sat in a mostly comfortable silence for a few moments before Flannery excused herself to go to the bathroom. Once she was out of earshot, Adrian gave Taylor a very scary and loaded grin.
“You look creepy as hell when you do that, just so you know,” Taylor informed him, finding his glass empty and setting it at the edge of the table.
“You’re going to have sex with Flannery tonight,” Adrian said, prompting Taylor to almost choke on the bite of fries he’d just put in his mouth.
“Yeah sure, and then I’m going to become the King of Poland,” Taylor snorted, shaking his head and laughing at Adrian’s statement.
“I’m serious!”
“And why do you think I’m going to sleep with Flannery?” Taylor asked, appeasing Adrian out of pure curiosity.
“It’s been a long time since you had sex with a girl you had an emotional connection with, I’m assuming. I know you haven’t dated anyone in over a year and you’re too fucking weird and picky to have short-term casual relationships. So, you need to have sex with a girl you have some sort of feelings for.”
“But… it’s Flannery. It’s never been like that with us!” Taylor said defensively.
“Yeah, I know. That’s what I meant by ‘some sort of feelings for.’ Come on, Taylor, keep up.”
“You’re insane. Before, I had just speculated that you were but now I know for sure,” Taylor said, eagerly taking his newly refilled glass and taking a prolonged drink.
“It makes perfect sense if you think about it,” Adrian stated, looking entirely pleased with himself.
“Well, she has a boyfriend, we’re just friends, and it would severely complicate said friendship. So no, it doesn’t make perfect sense.”
“Do you think of her like a sister?” Adrian asked.
“What? No, I don’t. I never have,” Taylor replied honestly.
“And if she needed you to, would you do absolutely anything in the world for her?”
“Of course I would, she’s my best friend.”
“So what makes you think that she wouldn’t do the same for you, even if it meant secretly having sex with her best friend in order to help him figure out his life?”
“It’s not going to happen,” Taylor said sternly.
“Then I am officially done helping you. If you won’t heed my advice, there’s not much I can do,” Adrian said, rising from the table and looking genuinely pissed off.
“Well, give me advice that doesn’t involve me having sex with my best friend who has a boyfriend and maybe I’ll heed it,” Taylor spat. Adrian just shook his head and walked out of the restaurant as Flannery came back.
“What was that all about?” she asked, sitting back down.
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” he said, looking into the amber depths of his glass.
“Try me,” she smiled, reaching across the table to give his hand a flick to bring his gaze back to her. He laughed uncomfortably before talking.
“He thinks that we should have sex.”
“He wants you to have sex with him?!” she asked, her eyes opening wide.
“No, he wants me to have sex with you.” She just sat there and looked at him for a minute.
“Are you serious?”
“As a heart attack.” She exhaled a big breath.
“Well, where did it come from. I mean… why did he suggest it?” she asked, suddenly looking very serious.
“He thinks that my problem is that I haven’t slept with a girl I had any kind of emotional connection with for so long that it would help me make a decision if I did. And since you’re my best friend, I guess he thought you’d fit the bill best,” Taylor said, “I told him that it was ridiculous and that you have Jacob, but he got mad at me and told me that he wouldn’t be helping me any more since I’m not following his advice.”
“You don’t think he might be right?” she asked, stirring her cup of soup and staring at the bits of chicken and noodles as they swirled inside.
“Fuck if I know. I just think that if he was really good at his job that he could have come up with a better suggestion than sleeping with you.”
“Is the thought that disgusting?” she asked.
“Of course not. It’s just never been like that between us. So, why would we potentially ruin our friendship over this?”
“We wouldn’t,” she said simply.
“Exactly, which is why I told him-”
“No, Taylor. We wouldn’t ruin our friendship no matter what. We’re stronger than that.”
“Are you saying you agree with Adrian?” he asked, looking down to find that he was tearing the napkin beside his plate to little bits.
“I’m saying that I’m willing to do whatever is necessary in order to help you get your life in order, Taylor.”
“But Jacob-”
“Jacob would never know. It wouldn’t be like we were doing it because we’d been pining over each other for years, it would just be like… a science experiment.”
“A naked, intimate science experiment,” Taylor scoffed.
“Do you find me repulsive?” she asked, “Because I certainly don’t find you repulsive. Quite the contrary, actually.”
“I think you’re gorgeous, Flannery. But you’re my best friend. I won’t jeopardize that for anything, even if it meant that I might never figure this out.”
“Well then, let’s set some ground rules,” she said, “One time, one night. No sweet nothings or post-sex cuddling required. Just… sex.”
“Scientific experiment sex,” Taylor reiterated, laughing lightly, “You can’t be serious, Flannery.” She ignored him and kept going.
“Of course, we’ll want to have a few drinks first, because otherwise getting things started will be super awkward.”
“Flannery, we’re not doing this,” Taylor said, completely surprised and intrigued by her determination.
“Taylor,” she mocked, “We are. And yeah, I’m potentially jeopardizing my relationship with Jacob. And yeah, I never imagined in a million years that you and I would sleep together. But if you think it’ll help you to have a current female sex partner who is someone you’re close to in order to see how you feel about it, then I think we should. So, do you think it’ll help?” Taylor dropped his gaze from her piercing eyes and looked down at the napkin that was how completely demolished and stacked into a neat pile of scraps. He set his palm on top of the stack and slowly smashed it to the surface of the table, then letting his fingers close around the pieces. After repeating the process of restacking the pieces and smashing them a few times, his brain had finally calmed down enough to comprehend what Flannery was asking him.
Would sleeping with Flannery help? Well, when he’d slept with Dominic, it was after he had already had a wonderful date with him. He supposed that Dominic had intended for that night to be a second date of sorts, and the morning after might have turned out that way had his parents not horribly ruined everything. He knew that he liked Dominic, in what way he wasn’t yet sure, but Dominic was definitely not some random, meaningless one-night stand. Taylor had made the conscious, though also drunken, decision to trust Dominic enough to sleep with him. Tatum had been overly aggressive and completely unappealing. When he forced himself to think back on it, the last girl he’d slept with had been just another nameless, faceless one time encounter. Adrian was right. It had been years since he’d had sex with a girl he cared about, and even though he didn’t have romantic feelings for Flannery, he did care about her more than any other person on the planet and he did find her attractive. It wasn’t the ideal solution, but it was all he had at the moment. And, he had to admit that Adrian’s advice had been good every other time, so why stop trusting him now?
“I think it would,” he finally said, “God, I can’t believe I just said that.”
“So we’re going to do this?” she asked, laughing, “Wow…”
“So, those drinks you said we were going to need… I think you were right about that.”
“Hear hear,” she cracked up, flagging down the waitress and ordering four shots of tequila.
“Promise me things won’t get weird between us after this. I won’t do it if you think there’s even the slightest possibility that things will get weird,” he said, reaching out across the table to take her hand in his.
“We won’t let it, Taylor. Just don’t profess your undying love for me mid-thrust or something, okay? Because that might make things a bit awkward.”
“No offense, but you really don’t have to worry about that,” he smiled, his heart racing under his ribs. The waitress came back with their shots on a tray and as soon as she was gone, they each picked one up.
“Well, let’s get this party started,” Flannery said, reaching out to tap her small glass against his. Taylor downed the shot as fast as he could, hoping that it would make his nerves dissipate. He looked across the table at his best friend who he knew was putting on her best brave face to let him know that it was going to be okay. It would certainly be fine, but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t still nervous about the fact that in a soon, but still undetermined amount of time, he would be having sex with her. With Flannery. With the best friend he’d ever known. Neither of them had ever imagined that particular scenario before, but the fact that she was willing to do it to help him out made him love her even more.
They had made their way back to Taylor’s condo after another round of shots, both of them heavily buzzed but not too drunk to function. When they reached his place, neither of them knew exactly what to do. He had goofily kissed her once before when they were drunk, but it had been a silly friend thing and not a sexual thing. So after they stood together in the middle of his living room for several increasingly awkward moments, he finally leaned down and pressed his lips to hers. For a minute it felt strange and it was clear that they were both having a hard time adjusting to the new experience, but eventually, Flannery reached around and laced her fingers in Taylor’s hair, pulling his mouth tighter against hers. From that point on, their carnal instincts took over and Taylor forced himself not to dwell on the fact that it was his best friend and that there were several things very wrong about what they were doing. Whenever Taylor felt himself withdraw and become nervous, Flannery stepped right up and kept things going.
As his fingers moved to her the back hooks of her bra, he felt his fingers tremble and she obviously did too.
“Taylor, just forget it’s me. Pretend I’m someone else if you need to,” she said breathlessly, and though he knew she was trying to be encouraging and to help him keep moving along, it frustrated him nonetheless. He pulled back from her and grabbed her face in his hands.
“Flannery, I’m here with you right now because I want to be. I’m here because I trust you and I love you. And that was not an awkward declaration of love. You’re my best friend in the world and I love you and always will. So don’t tell me to think of someone else right now because I don’t want to,” he said, running his hands through her hair before sliding his hands to her back and pulling her into a tight hug. Before she could respond to his little declaration, he kissed her again, his fingers finding their way back to her bra and unhooking it deftly. He didn’t dare look down at her because he wasn’t quite ready for that. Instead, he just pulled her body close to his, feeling the bare skin of her torso pressed against his, something she obviously enjoyed as well. She kissed him before pushing him down on the bed where they could finally progress at a more advanced tempo.
Almost forty minutes later, Taylor found himself clinging onto Flannery’s body as his skin broke out in goosebumps and the final tremors of his orgasm coursed through him.
“Wow…” she moaned breathily as he let his body weight sink down against hers. He couldn’t find it within himself to respond at the moment, so he just laid his head in the crook of her neck and allowed his breathing to regulate. He had just had sex with Flannery. Hell, he was still inside Flannery. At that thought, he moved himself carefully off of her and sat on the edge of the bed.
“Are you okay?” Taylor asked, turning to look at her. She was still laying there on her back, a somewhat glazed but blissful look on her face.
“I’m much better than okay,” she laughed, “You were amazing. I’m sorry if that’s weird of me to say, but… wow.”
“Of course it’s weird of you to say, but you’re always weird,” Taylor teased, grabbing his pillow and throwing it at her. She laughed and used the pillow to cover herself, sitting up to face him and hugging the pillow to her bare chest.
“Was it… good for you?” she asked. He laughed out loud.
“Definitely,” he said, “And you weren’t too bad yourself.”
“Better than Tatum?” she dared to ask.
“Fucking a jar full of broken glass would be better than Tatum. So there’s absolutely no comparison,” he smiled, “You were great.” She smiled, looking very happy with herself. Taylor wrapped himself in a sheet and picked up Flannery’s clothes, setting them on the end of the bed for her before giving her some privacy to get redressed. Not bothering to do the same, he went out to the kitchen and dug through his junk drawer until he found a yellow legal pad and a pen from one of the countless hotels he’d stayed at during their tour. He trudged into the living room, the ends of the sheet dragging behind him and he sat down on the couch, turned the pad horizontal and drew a line down the middle of the page. On the top of the left section, he wrote the word STRAIGHT and on the right half he wrote GAY. Then, he divided each of those in two, each half with one + and one – section. And so he started the task of writing down the things that lead him to believe that he was straight or gay, putting those in their respective plus columns and putting the things that lead him to believe he wasn’t straight or gay and put those in the minus columns. It wasn’t a fun process, but he forced himself to be really honest. He knew that it wasn’t the time to ignore the decision and thoughts he’d been having lately.
When it came to the STRAIGHT column, he knew that he had engaged in straight sex and sexual thoughts his entire life, until Dominic of course. The one glaring item in the minus section was that he had questioned his sexuality to begin with. He knew that by doing so, he had pretty much realized immediately that he wasn’t secure in his heterosexuality. If he was, he wouldn’t have responded at all to Flannery’s accusation. Instead, he would have blown it off just like he’d blown off the thousands of other gay comments that had come his way since the first days of their stardom.
He heard Flannery make her way into the kitchen where she opened the fridge. It was obvious that she was giving him time to do whatever he needed to do, and he really hoped that she meant to stick by her declaration that they would protect the nature of their friendship no matter what. Being her best friend, he knew that her sex life with Jacob was at times a bit rocky, so the fact that he had just given her two orgasms in the course of about a half hour was probably messing with her head a bit. He just hoped that it wasn’t enough to make her eat her words.
“Don’t you have anything that hasn’t expired in your fridge?” she asked exasperatedly, “Even your beer is bad.”
“I’m a little busy right now, Flannery,” he sighed, rereading his work before moving onto the GAY column. There, he wrote in the minus section that he’d never even thought about being gay until Flannery had mentioned it, much like he had written on the other half of the page. In the plus section, all he could write was that he liked Dominic and that he had spent a great night with him. He groaned in frustration and tossed the legal pad on the floor. As much as it annoyed him that it had landed face up, he was too mentally and physically exhausted to change that. Of course, when Flannery came in the room with one of his granola bars sticking out from between her teeth, she snatched the yellow pad from the floor and started to read what he’d written down.
“Did this help you at all?” she asked.
“Not really,” he admitted, running his fingers through his hair, “I was kind of hoping that I would have a moment of earth-shattering realization, but I should have learned by now that it just isn’t going to happen that way.”
“Just don’t be too hard on yourself, Tay. I know that Adrian is really pushing you, but you have as much time as you need. Sure, the sooner you figure things out the happier you’ll be, but if rushing your decision making process is stressing you out, then just take it easy,” she said, “And will you go put some clothes on? It’s really inappropriate.” She smiled at him and swatted his arm with the pad until he finally got up and went to redress himself.
As he pulled on his boxers and jeans, he thought about what had just taken place in his bed. The sex really had been fantastic. The fact that it had happened with Flannery was confusing, of course, but he was really glad that he had conceded to taking Adrian’s advice because it had helped. Taylor hadn’t had honest to god good sex with a girl in years, so he couldn’t with good conscience make a decision after one night with Dominic. On the flip side, he also couldn’t base his decision solely on the fact that he had just had great sex with Flannery. Because when it came right down to it, it wasn’t about the sex. Not entirely anyway. Sex was important and Taylor was the first person to admit that. He had needed to know whether or not gay sex appealed to him or disgusted him before he could continue in his process, so he’d done that. But, he had also gone out on a date with Dominic and had a wonderful time. It felt very different to think about a relationship with a guy that went beyond friendship, but he now knew that it was something he could at least consider.
And then came the whole situation with Flannery. Even though Adrian had accused Taylor of copping out by making out with Tre, he had encouraged Taylor to sleep with Flannery. Taylor had needed to be reminded of what it felt like to have wonderful sex with a woman. It was very different than his encounter with Dominic had been. They were soft and hard in contrasting places and the entire atmosphere and set of sensations had been completely different with both. The problem was that they had both been very good and he couldn’t have ranked one above the other even if someone had tried to force him to do so.
Taylor could hardly control his frustration as he stomped around the room, realizing that after all of it, he still didn’t have a decision. He knew that he was compatible sexually with both sexes and that he at least had the potential to be compatible emotionally with both. Why was the decision so hard?
“Everything okay in there?” Flannery called out of the living room. Taylor sighed and pulled his shirt back over his head. The fact that he still had the ability to get annoyed by Flannery was a good sign that their friendship would not be considerably changing any time soon, so at least he had that going for him, he mused.
“Why am I such an indecisive loser?” he groaned, walking back out into the living room and plopping down on the couch next to her.
“Did you ever think that there might be a reason you’re having such a hard time deciding?” she asked, looking at him wisely, but he couldn’t find the hidden logic in her cryptic question.
“Huh?” he asked.
“Just think about it,” she said, patting his knee, “I should probably go home.” Taylor smiled and received the hug she threw around his shoulders before leaving. He shook his head at her ever-positive attitude and picked up the yellow pad once more. As he sat there rereading his scrawl on the page, it felt as though a light bulb turned on in his brain. Something about looking at the words he had written coupled with the Flannery’s last comment made him realize what he immediately realized he should have figured out much more quickly. He practically ran to his computer where he e-mailed everyone important to him, sans his judging parents, to invite them over the following evening for dinner and the big reveal. He hoped that everyone would come, because he knew he was going to need some support in his decision.
The whole next day he cleaned and busied himself ordering food, since he obviously wasn’t capable of cooking anything himself. He couldn’t help but smile to himself the entire time, feeling so much lighter since the burden of deciding had finally been lifted from his shoulders. As soon as he had come to his decision, he knew that everyone he invited wouldn’t be shocked by the decision, because once it had aligned in his brain, it didn’t require any more self-reflection or personal doubt. It was who he was supposed to be and he didn’t know why he had been so reluctant to see it the entire time. He knew that there were people who desperately wanted him to be straight and others who wanted him to be gay, but he couldn’t make everyone happy. All he could worry about was himself.
People started to arrive around eight. First Flannery showed up with Tre following close at her heels. They both gave him a big hug and took glasses of wine before getting settled in the living room. Then, his brothers arrived, both looking slightly nervous and rather like they wished Taylor would have had a banner up announcing his decision so they wouldn’t have to wait around for him to spill the beans. Next, Dominic came in, giving Taylor a big hug, which Taylor noted was also exactly when Zac chose to go to the bathroom. He couldn’t get mad at Zac, though, because at least he was there. A mere week ago, Zac would have opted to stay at Sheridan’s apartment having ridiculous amounts of sex with her instead of being there to support his big brother. At least he had started to come around to being more understanding.
“So, how much longer are you going to make us wait?” Tre asked with a smile.
“We’re just waiting for one more person,” Taylor explained, “Adrian will come, trust me.” But in reality, Taylor was a little worried. After their little falling out the day before, he wasn’t sure that he would show up. However, a few minutes later, he heard the front door open and some footsteps approach the living room. Nothing on earth could have masked the look of shock and total amusement that covered his face when he saw that Adrian was entering the room hand-in-hand with a tall, good-looking brunette man. Taylor laughed out loud and went over to give Adrian a hug.
“Did you do what I told you to?” Adrian whispered in his ear.
“I did,” Taylor whispered back, “And I knew you were gay, by the way.”
“Oh, so go bake yourself a cookie or something,” Adrian laughed, “This is Mike, my partner.”
“Partner?” Taylor heard Zac ask Isaac, who promptly shushed him. After Taylor made sure that everyone had a drink and food if they wanted it, he stood in the living room to face them all.
“First of all, I just wanted to thank everyone for coming tonight. I know that the last few weeks have been… interesting and new to say the least. Everyone in the room has not always been the most supportive or the most welcome face in my day to day, but you all helped me get here. Well, except Mike,” Taylor laughed, prompting everyone to do the same. He felt so comfortable standing there talking to them. They were six people who represented completely different aspects of his being, but what he had said was true: they all had helped him along in one way or another. His brothers had challenged him and had made sure in their own dysfunctional way that he was staying true to himself. Flannery, Tre, and Dominic had all been supportive and had also helped him to realize his sexual preferences and needs. And then there was Adrian, who had been the perpetually obnoxious and conceited engine that had kept the whole process moving along. Taylor had mistrusted him many times during the last few weeks, but he now knew that without him, he wouldn’t be standing there feeling sure of himself for the first time in a long time. “But, I’ve made my decision.”
He could feel all of their eyes trained expectantly on him. Even though they were all hoping for slightly different things, they all wanted to know his answer.
“So…??” Adrian asked, but Taylor still couldn’t say it. It wasn’t that he was afraid, nor did he care what any of their reactions were. It was simply that for these last few moments before he told them, he was still Taylor exactly as they had always known him. In a manner of seconds, their perception of him would forever change and even though he knew that it was going to be a good change, it would still be different.
“Come on, Taylor! Tell us your decision!” Tre said excitedly. Taylor looked at their faces, all of them looking at him. He took a deep breath, stuffed his hands in his pockets, and smiled.
The End