Tumbling Down // Chapter Eleven (Hormones and Honesty)

I felt awful, like my whole body was shutting down. I hardly ate, I would lie awake for hours just staring at the ceiling, and I was starting to really resent basically every person in my life. Though Sophie was probably trying the hardest out of anyone, she would still abandon me for hours on end to screw David’s brains out upstairs. Grace was a suddenly nonexistent roommate now that she and Trevor were officially an item. She’d dropped by the room with him and I had been mildly impressed, but had greeted him with as much niceness as I could muster.

I hadn’t talked to Hunter since our little talk in my car, and Taylor was spending almost all of his time with Brooklynn. I had never really spent time with Jackson and Chris without Taylor present and I really wasn’t keen on starting all of a sudden. They were nice guys and all, but I really wasn’t in the mood to be mauled on a daily basis. I just wanted an explanation for Taylor’s sudden behavior. If he wanted a new friend, then fine, but I could not for the life of me understand why I had to be completely and totally removed from his life in order for this to happen.

As I was in the middle of a particularly awful funk which included listening to the most depressing music I could find on my computer, someone let themselves into my room without even knocking. I turned my head lazily in my hand, not even bothering to rotate the rest of my body and saw Hunter leaning against the now closed door covered in sweat. His t-shirt was clinging to every muscle in his torso and I tried so hard to pretend that every part of my body capable of arousal hadn’t been immediately affected by the sight. Instead, I just turned my attention back to the computer screen and fought the urge to beg him to take me immediately.

“I was out for a run… thought I’d stop by,” he offered as if I had asked about his sudden appearance.

“I se,” was all I would give back as I slowly scrolled through my iTunes music, dragging choice pieces over to a playlist titled “my life sucks.”

“Is there a reason why I haven’t seen or heard from you in over a week?” he asked, not moving a step closer.

“It wasn’t the best time of the month for us to be meeting,” I said, knowing it was a bit of an overshare. It was true, but not the only reason why I hadn’t called him. He sighed loudly and I could heard him walking closer to me, closing the distance between us as he came to lean against the edge of my desk and forcing himself into my indirect line of sight.

“Okay, that’s fine, but I think we both know that’s not why. I pissed you off last Sunday, and now you don’t want to see me any more.”

“I’m seeing you right now, aren’t I?” I sassed, still not looking at him because then I would be too tempted to give in to the animal urges pumping their way through my system.

“Not exactly since you won’t look at me,” he said, “Do I smell that bad?” He laughed and aired his shirt. An outward groan escaped my lips and I let my forehead drop heavily onto the surface of my desk.

“No, you smell good and that’s why I won’t look at you,” I mumbled against the desktop before he dropped to a squat to put himself level with my face.

“I smell sweaty. Now how is that good?” he teased, pushing my hair from the side of my face closest to him. I let my head loll over to the side so I could finally look at him.

“I missed you,” I admitted, “And sweaty is always good with us. You should know that.”

“Yeah, it is,” he said, his voice now only a whisper as we stared at each other, “I missed you, too, Cammy. And I want you to know that I want you as a friend if anything. I’ve kind of gotten used to your craziness in my life.”

A little smile tugged at the corners of my mouth and I couldn’t help myself as I leaned forward to press my lips against his. It was right then that I knew we were reaching the potential for getting in too deep, but at the moment I didn’t care. I just let him pull me down on top of him on the cold tile floor next to my desk.

We had made our way to the futon eventually after I had shrieked at the contact of my bare back touching the tile, and were currently trying out a new position I had read about in Cosmo when the door once again swung wide without any sort of warning.

“Fuck!” I yelled, immediately yanking a stray blanket over our naked bodies, drawing attention to that part of the room. There stood Taylor, mouth gaping at the sight of me still straddling Hunter’s lap while we both scrambled for full cover.

“Well, well, well. What do we have here?” he asked, kicking the door shut and taking another step inside.

“Get the fuck out, Taylor!” Hunter said, obviously unable to believe that he hadn’t left the second he’d seen us there. My face was so red at this point, I was pretty sure that there wasn’t enough blood left in the rest of my body to work my vocal chords even if I had wanted to.

“Why didn’t you tell me you two were dating?” Taylor asked, staring right at me. I couldn’t answer him. I wanted to suddenly wake up and realize that it was all just a dream, but was shaken back to reality by Hunter shoving another blanket at me to cover up with.

“Because we’re not dating,” I managed, almost violently jerking the blue fleece material around my body before standing up and heading for him, “And I would appreciate it if you quit fucking smiling like that and get out.” He just burst into laughter at me and started to back for the door, almost clutching his side.

“You know, I would take you seriously right now if you weren’t wrapped up in a Carebear blanket,” he laughed.

I immediately wished Sophie and her love for all things cute, cuddly, and worthy of five-year-old adoration a painful and fiery death. Instead of voicing it out loud, however, I just opened the door, shoved him laughing into the hallway and slammed the door shut before locking it and sinking to the ground.

Hunter and I didn’t say a word to each other, because there was nothing to say. We both knew the weight of what had just happened, and he knew without asking that I needed him to come sit next to me on the floor. After a few minutes had passed and most of my extreme and immediate embarrassment had faded, Hunter obviously decided that it was time to talk.

“I’m sorry he had to find out, especially that way. I know you didn’t want him to know.”

“If he can sleep with Brooklynn, then I can sleep with you, right?” I asked and I felt him pull away slightly.

“Is that the only reason why we’ve been doing this? So you can feel like you’re getting back at Taylor for sleeping with Brooklynn, because that is so not okay with me.”

“No, Hunter, that’s not why,” I said, but something inside me wondered if it was true, “And he was bound to find out sooner or later. I probably should have just told him right away, but I didn’t feel it was something to go around broadcasting, you know? It never really came up, I guess.” My short nails picked at the edge of the blanket and I saw his hand come over to slide its way into mine. I almost flinched at the contact and hastily stood up. “Sophie’s going to be home soon.” With that, I redressed myself and watched out the corner of my eye as he did the same.

“Bye,” was all he said before leaving as quickly as he could manage.

I couldn’t do anything right. I knew that I had just done some potentially irreparable damage with Hunter, but holding his hand made it feel like we were doing something more serious than having a friends-with-benefits relationship. In that second he felt like something else, something I wasn’t ready for. Now the Hunter and Taylor parts of my life were connected by knowledge if anything, and I wasn’t ready for it to be like that. Hunter had been my little secret, something that I could have without making my now rare moments with Taylor even more complicated. I knew that I had to go talk to him, if for any reason because he had obviously been coming down to talk to me when he caught the free show.

My nervous hands pulled my hair into a low ponytail and opened the door before starting my ascent. It wasn’t the first time that I had dreaded going up to Taylor’s room lately and I didn’t like that realization one bit. I found him inside, sitting at his desk, obviously awaiting my arrival. Without saying a word, I just went and took my usual seat atop his desk and waited for the unbelievable amounts of torture to commence. Instead, I was greeted with something quite different.

“Cams, why didn’t you tell me about Hunter? I thought it was a one-time only thing. I wouldn’t have given you so much shit if I had known it was still happening,” he said sincerely. My recovery from his kindness took place only on the inside and I knew that an immediate response was necessary.

“Probably for the same reason that you didn’t tell me that you had been hooking up with Brooklynn.” He just nodded and leaned his chair back onto two legs, thinking for a minute for responding.

“How long has it been going on?” he asked in a tone that was neither teasing nor reproachful.

“Pretty much since the first time. We just agreed that it had been too good to not continue,” I laughed, enjoying the rare chance to be honest with him.

“So you did remember it,” he said, laughing with me, “I knew it. I could see right through your little lie. What made you come clean with him?”

“Well, he basically heard me recounting the entire night’s events to Sophie and Grace at the party the next night. My cover story didn’t hold up for long.”

“You should date him,” he said and my stomach dropped to my feet. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He was supposed to realize that he wanted me like that, not give me brotherly advice. I choked the imaginary vomit I was sure was making its way up my esophagus, and tried to form a coherent answer.

“What? No, we’re just messing around,” I said as I felt my usual defenses rising once more.

“He’s a good guy, Cameron. I know he hates my guts for some reason, but he’s a good person or Zac wouldn’t be friends with him. And if you get along and the sex is good, then, why not?” My arms crossed instinctively over my stomach and I shifted uncomfortably, “Can’t come up with a reason?”

I wanted to tell him right then that I couldn’t date Hunter because I was in love with him, but once again when faced with an opportunity, I blew it and lied.

“Because we’re not like that. We just have sex, that’s it,” I said, almost unable to say the incredibly untrue statement.

“We saw you guys just hanging out in your room last weekend. You were having fun watching a movie. That was a date!” he exclaimed. I slid to the floor and took a step back from his desk, distancing myself from him.

“No it wasn’t!” was my childish response.

“Yes it was. Just let yourself be happy,” he said, standing also and approaching me. I retreated from him and headed for the door, “Don’t run away, Cammy!”

“Don’t call me that,” I said, my voice coming out almost at a whisper. The nickname sounded so strange coming from his mouth as he’d only used it before when joking with me. It had taken on a new meaning for me and I didn’t like him using it.

“Why not?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

My eyes started to tingle and I knew that tears were close at hand because I didn’t know why I didn’t want him calling me Cammy. Just because Hunter had taken to calling me that didn’t mean that no one else could do the same. It confused me to the point of tears. Here Taylor was, actually being a friend to me again, and there I was, hand practically on the doorknob, desperate to escape.

“Just don’t, okay? I… I need to go,” I said, reaching for the handle and turning it quickly.

“Think about what I said, okay?” he said. I couldn’t even manage to make myself nod at him, I just fled out of the room almost colliding with Sophie.

“Whoa! What’s going on, Cam?” she asked, noticing the look on my face. I watched Taylor disappear as the door closed, his eyes fixed on me with concern. My neck finally found the ability to work and I jerked it towards the stairs, indicating that I wanted the conversation to take place en route back to our room.

“Taylor walked in on Hunter and I doing some sexual aerobics on the futon,” I said.

“On the futon? Oh Cameron…” she scolded before realizing fully what I had told her, “Oh! What happened? Did he get mad?” My shoulders slumped and I leaned my weight into the door to push it open.

“No, he told me I should date Hunter, which is so not the reaction I was hoping for.”

“You make it sound like you planned it, and I really hope you didn’t.”

“Of course I didn’t plan it. It’s just that, well, part of me hoped that when Taylor found out he’d get jealous and want to be with me, not play the concerned friend and tell me that he just wants me to be happy. God, it was horrible, Sophie, I didn’t know what to say to him. I just kind of ran away.”

“Well, you didn’t know how to react,” she offered, trying to help me figure it out. I shook my head vehemently and sat down hard in my desk chair.

“No, I acted like a child because I had no response to what he was saying. I couldn’t tell him the reason why I can’t be with Hunter.” Sophie came over and stood in front of me.

“What is the reason?” she asked, smoothing my hair comfortingly as she saw me take in a shuddering breath.

“Because I love Taylor so much it hurts all over. I just want him to figure it out, Sophie. Why can’t he see it? Why can’t he see how much I love him?” I sobbed and it took Sophie a moment to hug me as she had never seen me cry before.

“I don’t know, Cam, I really don’t.” I expected her to say something else, to get in a jab about how lousy Taylor was or to make another comment about how good looking Hunter was, but all she did was hug me while I cried. Grace came home just as I had finished drying my cheeks.

“Is everything okay?” she asked, looking back and forth between Sophie and I.

“Yeah, everything’s okay,” Sophie said, knowing that if I wanted to fill Grace in, I’d do it myself, “Hey, are you doing something with Trevor tonight?”

“No, we don’t have anything planned, why?” Grace asked, setting her backpack down beside her desk and coming over to join us.

“I think we desperately need a roomie night. I’m talking chick flicks, cookie dough, greasy pizza, the works,” Sophie said.

“I’m in!” Grace exclaimed, “It’s been way too long since we did this.”

“I think it sounds like just what I need,” I stated honestly before giving Sophie a smile.

That night I got the company I needed and was able to put the two boys in my life out of my head at least for a few hours. We stayed up into the wee hours of the morning laughing and gorging ourselves while watching “Pretty in Pink” and “When Harry Met Sally,” before putting on a rerun of “Sex and the City” on TV. We caught it just in time to see Samantha fall down the stairs into a pile of vegetables as Smith tried to hold her hand causing Sophie and Grace to burst into laughter. I just looked down at the hand Hunter had tried to hold earlier that evening.

“Oh Cam, you’re so Samantha. I could totally see you doing something like that,” Grace laughed with a mouthful of sausage pizza. I tried to smile and bring myself back into the conversation.

“Why, because I’m a slut?” I asked, knowing that none of us really believed me to be one.

“No, because you would manage to injure yourself while trying to avoid commitment,” she said.

“You have no idea,” I mumbled under my breath unbeknownst to them and helped myself to another slice.

Chapter Twelve

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