“Taylor and Brooklynn are dating. They have been for a few weeks now. I don’t know why he wouldn’t tell you, but he just kept telling us to keep it quiet until he found the right time to break it to you,” Jackson blurted as if he couldn’t wait to get the information out of his body as soon as possible. I just stared at him unable to move or breath or even think. The news hit me like a shock from a stun gun and I was completely paralyzed for a good thirty seconds while he just sat there staring at me. “Oh god, please say something. Just don’t hit me.”
“Taylor is dating Brooklynn,” I repeated slowly once I found my voice, “Brooklynn and Taylor are dating.”
“Oh Cams, I’m so sorry,” he said, reaching across the table to pat my hand. I snatched it away and stood up. “Just sit down. Let’s talk.”
“I don’t want to talk,” I replied blandly and I wrapped my arms around myself tightly. I waited for the tears to come. I’d been crying so much lately that I was sure they’d start falling any second and I’d wind up making a big scene right there in the Union, but they didn’t. Instead I just stood there looking at Jackson blankly, waiting for him to continue his story.
“You look like a ticking time bomb over there, Cams. Sit down until you calm down,” Jackson ordered gently. He was obviously concerned for me but I didn’t care much about what he had to say at the moment unless it dealt directly with this secret relationship.
“You told me they were just friends,” I said, ignoring his request completely.
“That’s what he wanted us to tell you. Look, I think he knew you were going to be upset about it and probably a little bit jealous, and he wanted to tell you when it was the right time. Whatever that means.”
“Jealous? So he knows that I have feelings for him?” Jackson shook his head.
“He thinks you have a crush on him, but I don’t think he knows it’s anything more than that.”
“So, he didn’t want to tell me because he thinks I have a crush on him?” I sank back down into my chair and put my head in my hands.
“That and he knows how much you don’t like Brooklynn,” he added.
“I am so stupid, Jackson. I am so fucking stupid. People have been trying to tell me and I haven’t listened. I’m so stupid!” I said, my voice rising with each word.
“You’re not stupid, you’re just in love. Love makes normal people, which doesn’t apply to you of course, complete idiots,” he said with a smile, almost succeeding in making me smile as well. Instead I just shook my head.
“Thanks, but no, I really am stupid.” We just sat there without speaking for a few moments before Jackson felt the need to break the ice again.
“Aren’t you supposed to cry or something? Don’t girls do that?” he asked.
“I guess my crying days are over,” I replied.
“Now come on, you’re not over him just like that.”
“Of course I’m not. It’s just that, well, I guess Brooklynn won.”
“Brooklynn may have one the first round, but it’s only sophomore year,” he smiled.
“I don’t know if I have it in me to fight for him anymore. I have wasted so much time wanting him. Think of what I could have passed up,” and with that I felt them coming, the tears that I had been waiting for. They came almost violently and I started sobbing immediately.
“Oh no,” Jackson mumbled, pushing some napkins at me.
“Look what I already passed up. Look what I did to Hunter. He’s an awesome guy and I told him no because I was waiting for Taylor! And for nothing! It was all for nothing!” I cried, snatching up the napkins.
“They’re just dating, Cams. It’s not like they’re getting married!” he said. I could tell that he was getting a bit uncomfortable with me crying but I didn’t care.
“Don’t even say shit like that to me! That could be coming, we don’t know!” I said, “I have to go. Thanks for telling me.”
I left Jackson sitting there by himself with my breakfast to throw away. I needed to get out of there as soon as possible, and I knew just where I was headed. It was much too early for Taylor to be awake yet and I relished the thought of waking him up. I trusted Jackson but needed to hear it straight from Taylor’s lips, the ones that had adulterously kissed me two days prior.
I pounded on the door until my hand stung, knowing that it usually took an alarm going off for at least twenty minutes to wake Taylor, and he finally answered the door wearing a pair of boxers and yawning loudly.
“Cams, what are you doing here? It’s seven in the morning,” he said.
“Um, actually it’s almost ten, but close.”
“What’s your problem? Isn’t it a little early to be pissy?”
“Why the hell didn’t you tell me you’re dating Brooklynn?” I demanded. He just sighed and leaned against the door frame.
“Gee, I don’t know. Maybe because I knew you’d react like this?”
“Oh that is such bull,” I said and the look on his face softened a bit.
“Look, I knew it was going to be hard for you to take and I was hoping to kind of ease into it. You know, with our talk and stuff.”
“Well, I think that our little ‘talk,'” I said, making quotation marks with my hands, “did absolutely nothing of the sort. I can’t believe that you-” He stopped me by jerking the door open wider to reveal Brooklynn sitting at his computer desk staring right at us.
“Do we have to do this right now?”
“Yes, we do. Because if we don’t talk about it now, then we never will.”
“I really think you should go,” Brooklynn chimed in snidely.
“And I really think that you should shove it,” I stated, glaring at her.
“Cams, that’s not going to help anything,” Taylor said quietly.
“Why am I the one who has to be nice. Why can’t you make her be nice? Oh wait, I know! Because you don’t really give a shit about me or our friendship.”
“That is so not true. Where are you even getting this stuff?” he asked exasperatedly. I shoved my fingers through my unbrushed hair and took a step back.
“I’m getting it from your actions. Because they way it looks to me, you don’t care enough about me to let me in on something big in your life, like a new relationship.”
“You didn’t tell me about Hunter right away either,” he said.
“That’s because Hunter and I weren’t dating. We were having sex. There’s a big difference!”
“You were sleeping with him? Ew,” Brooklynn said from inside.
“Yeah, I was, and it was fucking mind-blowing!” I exclaimed, trying to push my way into the room, but Taylor just nudged me back.
“I don’t really know what to say to you right now. I don’t want to lose your friendship over this, but I can’t have you acting like a crazy person every time you two are around each other.” I just shook my head, ignored his comment, and started to back away.
“It’s going to take awhile to fix this,” I told him honestly.
“What? What is going to take awhile to fix?”
“Us. You’re not letting me in anymore. You’ve been shutting me out for weeks for her and real friends don’t do that. I guess you’ve made your decision.”
“I haven’t made any decision. You can’t ask me to choose between my friend and my girlfriend, Cams, that’s not fair!”
“You’re absolutely right, it’s not. So why did you make that choice?”
“I didn’t!”
“Then start acting like it.”
Satisfied that I was leaving with the upper hand, I made my way to the stairs and heard his door slam behind him. It was the most emotionally exhausted I’d been in a very long time and all I wanted to do was go crawl back into bed. Unfortunately, Sophie and Grace were waiting for me inside. They both opened their mouths as if to speak and I just held a hand up at them and headed for my desk.
“Don’t. Just don’t. I can’t take anything else today.”
“What happened?” Sophie asked, standing from the futon and heading over towards my desk, Grace following suit immediately after.
“Jackson joined me for breakfast and after I went on and on about Taylor like a moron, he got really serious and told me that Taylor and Brooklynn have in fact been dating for the last few weeks and Taylor told them not to tell me about it because he thinks that I have a freaking crush on him and because I hate Brooklynn’s guts. I just went upstairs to confront him about it and she was there. God, I am just so mad at him right now. He is so clueless,” I groaned, sitting down in my desk chair, “I just feel really embarrassed because I was so sure that Taylor was finally figuring it all out. But no one really wants to think that the person who they’re in love with doesn’t love them back.”
“Of course not,” Grace said.
“And we feel really bad that we were always so unsupportive of your feelings for Taylor, but we saw the potential for something like this to happen with him,” Sophie stated.
“This really isn’t the time for ‘I told you so,’ Sophie,” I told her, hugging my knees to my chest and resting my chin on them.
“I didn’t mean it like that. I just wish you’d start to like guys who aren’t such buttheads. What’s up with that?” she smiled.
“I don’t know,” I shrugged, “I’ve just always liked guys like Taylor. Lots of self-confidence, funny, smart, talented, and therefore usually big jerks. It’s just what I’m attracted to. And you can’t help who you’re attracted to.”
“That’s true, but those things can change. I mean, Trevor isn’t my usual type and I like him a lot. I’m glad I gave him a chance, because he’s a really great guy,” Grace said. I nodded and sat there for a minute before deciding to let them in on what else had happened during my talk with Jackson.
“So, after Jackson told me, I just sat there and waiting to start crying, but I didn’t at first. I didn’t start to cry until I started thinking about Hunter and how much I’d hurt him and how I had never even allowed myself to consider him as anything other than a fuck buddy because of Taylor. I have been doing nothing but waiting for Taylor for almost two years now. Just think of what I could have missed.”
“Why do you think you cried when you thought about Hunter?”
“Because I know he’s a good guy. I mean, when I’m a bitch to Taylor, I know that he’ll just get over it and we’ll move on and be fine. But I know that I really hurt Hunter this morning. Jackson said he saw him and he looked terrible. And I think I feel the most bad because I’ve always been myself with Hunter. I’ve never had to put my guard up around him, but I did this morning.”
“Cam, do you like Hunter?” Grace asked.
“I like being with him, whatever we’re doing. I’m very attracted to him. He makes me smile, he’s good to me, he’s a good friend, and as we all know, we’re compatible sexually. I mean, that’s what a real, normal relationship is supposed to be, isn’t it?”
“That’s exactly what most girls are looking for, you weirdo,” Sophie laughed.
“I’ve just never liked anyone I felt like I didn’t have to win over or fight for. Maybe I like the hunt or something. Hunter was just like a surprise that fell right into my lap.”
“And a hot and sexy surprise at that,” Grace said, making all of us laugh together for the first time all morning.
“Oh, you like him, don’t you!” Sophie swooned, causing me to roll my eyes.
I wouldn’t say it out loud because the thought of it still terrified me. I hadn’t liked anyone but Taylor since the first day I’d met him. I’d slept with other guys, but it had been just once and they’d been forgotten soon after. Hunter was the first guy to break through and make me take notice despite the fact that I was still crazy about Taylor.
“I’m going to take a shower and then I’m going to take another walk,” I told them, grabbing my towel and shower caddy.
“To see Hunter!” Sophie added, practically jumping up and down.
“If you keep doing that, I’m not telling you anything,” I warned, shaking a finger at her before heading out the door.
My shower was long and hot and my mind didn’t stop turning over and over the entire time. Taylor was all I’d thought about for so long and now it felt like the battle was over. He was off the market. There were still questions left unanswered like why he had kissed me when he was actually dating Brooklynn, but I knew that they would never be solved.
Taylor didn’t owe me anything, because he wasn’t my boyfriend and never had been. He was just a friend and it wasn’t his fault that I had feelings for him. I admitted to myself that I would probably always have those feelings for Taylor, at least on some level. Something in Taylor would always spark something in me. He would always give me butterflies when he smiled at me and my heart would always pound when he was near. But, some people just do that to you. Maybe we missed our chance, or maybe it was still coming. All I knew was that for right now it was time to move on.
After I had toweled off and dressed in a simple and comfortable outfit of jeans and an Iowa t-shirt, I threw on a bit of makeup and headed over to Hunter’s. I hoped he’d be in his room, because I didn’t know where to find him if he wasn’t there.
I turned the doorknob and found that it turned freely in my hand. He was sitting on his bed watching TV with absolutely no expression on his face. He hadn’t taken a shower yet, which was very un-Hunter, and he was still dressed in some sweatpants and the shirt he had obviously slept in. He looked miserable and I hoped that I wouldn’t make him more so. Without a word I climbed onto the bed next to him, careful to sit close but not too close.
“What do you want?” he asked, the tone in his voice matching the blank expression on his face. I knew right then that it was going to be harder than I had thought it would be.
“I need to talk to you,” I replied. He didn’t look at me, he just kept watching the tennis match on TV. “Jackson told me this morning that Taylor and Brooklynn have been dating for the last few weeks.”
“And you’re telling me this because?”
“Because it sucks and I’m upset and embarrassed.”
“Why are you embarrassed?” I wished he would look at me.
“Because finding out made me realize that I’ve been being very naïve and closing myself off to things that could be very good for me. Finding out about Taylor and Brooklynn made me realize how I feel about you.”
“I’m not a consolation prize, Cameron. You can’t just come have me now that Taylor’s taken,” he said, finally looking at me. I felt my pulse quicken and I knew that I had to act fast.
“Shit, no, that’s not how I mean it at all. I know it probably sounds like that, but it’s not. I’ve always had feelings for you, I was just being too stubborn and stupid to notice. Taylor has had me completely blinded and I feel awful about the way I’ve been treating you,” I said, my voice getting tighter as I felt my eyes start to sting, “I know that you don’t have to listen to any of this and I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. But I knew that I had to come tell you that I have considered us, and I think that we should be together. I want us to be together. And I’m so sorry that I didn’t see it sooner. I’m so sorry that I let Taylor get in the way.” I continued to hold back my tears and I studied his face carefully, desperate to see if I had gotten through him at all.
“How can I just believe that you’re completely over Taylor?”
“I’m not asking you to believe that. Taylor is always going to be a part of me, and he’s going to be around. I know that it’s going to be hard at first, but I want to make this work,” I said, scooting a bit closer to him and smiling, “And besides, I would have figured this all out eventually, this just gave it a little jump start.” I nudged him with my shoulder and I saw his jaw unclench finally.
“Are you for real about all of this? Because I can’t start this only to have you back out in a few weeks when you realize that it was all just a reaction to finding out about Taylor and Brooklynn. I can’t go through that,” he said. I knew that nothing I could say would mean half as much as one simple action would. My hand made its way to his lap where it softly took his, our fingers interlacing for the first time.
“Does that answer your question?” I asked. He just smiled and kissed me deeply.
“It sure does.”