You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel
That I’m losing my best friend
I can’t believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you’re letting go
And if it’s real
Well I don’t want to know
Don’t speak
I know just what you’re saying
So please stop explaining
Don’t tell me cause it hurts
Don’t speak
I know what you’re thinking
I don’t need your reasons
Don’t tell me cause it hurts
“Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you, twice,” I muttered, yanking pictures of Taylor from the collage on my wall. I couldn’t bring myself to throw them away, but they were no longer going to contaminate my décor.
It had been three long days since the party and Brooklynn’s words were still permeating my brain, seeping deep into every insecurity I had and generally making me feel like horrible shit. Hunter had tried to help in any way he could, even threatening to beat the crap out of Taylor, something I knew he was both completely capable of doing and willing to do, but I’d mostly just kept my distance from him and everyone else. I needed time to think, to reflect on what had been happening in my life lately.
“How’re you doing?” Sophie asked, leaning partway into my doorway, obviously unsure of whether or not to enter all the way.
I had been less than pleasant since the incident and my roommates knew me well enough to know that staying away and giving me my space was a better option than harassing me. I shrugged and continued to pull pictures from the wall, pictures that had once been my favorites that now made my stomach turn. I wanted nothing to do with him and I certainly didn’t want to look at his shit-eating grin every time I went to my computer desk.
“I don’t know,” I replied honestly, stacking the photos into a pile before dropping them into my bottom desk drawer. I wanted to tell her everything, to finally confide in someone about it, but since I hadn’t told her about my mom, I therefore hadn’t been able to tell her exactly what had happened. I hated lying to her, but more than that I hated the sympathetic, weepy way people looked at me after I told them my mother had committed suicide, like I was damaged and they had to treat me like fine china from then on.
“I know you want to talk, but I’m not going to make you,” she said. I sat down in my desk chair and felt my shoulders slump.
“Please don’t try to guilt me, Sophie. It’s the last thing I need,” I told her, feeling my throat start to constrict.
“I’m really not trying to make you feel guilty. I’m just telling you that if you want to talk to me, I’m here, but I’m not going to try to force you. I know that won’t work and so I’m just here if you want me,” she said before leaving again.
Before I could even attempt to gather my thoughts after that, my cell phone started ringing. I immediately recognized the ring as Taylor’s and almost ignored it. I wanted to pretend that I didn’t hear it ringing, but I did and I knew that I had to be mature and answer it. He’d made no efforts to talk to me, which led me to assume that he was letting me calm down after I’d slugged Brooklynn.
“Hello?” I answered, being sure to speak with as little emotion and enthusiasm in my voice as possible.
“Can we talk?” he asked.
“Isn’t that what we’re doing right now?” He sighed loudly into the receiver and I found myself rolling my eyes at his effort to let me know that he wasn’t impressed with my choice of response.
“I meant in person,” he said, “Can I come over?”
“Fine,” I spat before pushing the end button. As much as I loved my iPhone, I hated that I couldn’t snap it shut. Sometimes that just made me feel better, like slamming a door in someone’s face. Pressing the screen hard didn’t have nearly the dramatic flair I wanted in a situation like this.
I left my phone on my desk and wandered out to the living room to find Hunter walking through the front door and greeting my roommates who were fully immersed in a Lifetime movie.
“Hey Cammy,” he said, giving me a half smile and coming over to hug me, “How are you?”
“Taylor just called. He’s coming over to talk, which I suspect will wind up more like yelling and swearing.”
“Well, you did punch his girlfriend,” Grace pointed out.
“She deserved it,” I mumbled into Hunter’s chest, reveling in the comfort I found there as he continued to hold my body against his.
“Does anyone really deserve to get punched in the head?” Grace mused, more to herself than us, but Hunter and I felt the need to respond.
“Yes,” we replied in unison. He smiled down at me and kissed my forehead before stepping back. He knew that my roommates didn’t know the whole story and respected that I wasn’t ready to clue them in.
“What are you watching?” he asked with a laugh, looking over at the TV which was currently displaying two sobbing women undoubtedly confessing that they slept with each other’s husbands or had life threatening illnesses or something. I couldn’t stand the crap they watched on a daily basis, so I just snuggled myself back into Hunter’s side and breathed him in. He smelled like cologne and laundry detergent and I just wanted to cuddle up and relax with him all afternoon. Unfortunately, I knew that Taylor would be over in the next few minutes and my current state of calm would be shattered.
“A fabulous Lifetime movie, don’t judge,” Sophie replied, not taking her eyes off the screen. They tended to get very invested in the crappy plotlines and horrible acting, but I couldn’t find the appeal. I just wrapped my arms around him and watched the exchange take place, internally preparing myself for the conversation yet to come.
As much as I couldn’t imagine my life without Taylor in it, I also knew that he was going to have to have one hell of a great excuse in order for me to forgive him. That and a lot of begging, and I wasn’t sure I was prepared to forgive him no matter what he said.
“You’re awfully touchy-feely today,” Hunter smiled down at me.
“I know. I don’t know why,” I admitted.
“Because I’m irresistible?” he teased.
“Yeah, that must be it,” I scoffed, pulling back from his embrace, “But, you’d better take off. I don’t know how long Taylor and I will be talking. I’ll just come over after he leaves.”
“I don’t think so, ma’am. I’m going to sit right here and watch this movie with Sophie and Grace. You know, just in case you need me,” he said. I knew it wasn’t a good idea, but I also knew that he had only good intentions by suggesting it, so I gave in without a fight.
“Fine. But you stay out here. No eavesdropping and no butting in unless I ask you to, okay?”
“Promise. I just want to be here in case,” he said, going to sit on the couch next to Sophie as someone started knocking on our door. I cursed under my breath and went to answer it, taking a deep, albeit shaking, breath before opening the door.
Taylor stood on our welcome mat, a completely ambiguous expression on his face. If I had been in the mood to interpret it, I would have guessed that he was as nervous as I was for our talk, but I just wanted to get it over and done with, so I instead led him wordlessly back to my bedroom. He didn’t say anything to the three occupants of the living room, which was probably a good thing. Hunter wanted to murder him, and Sophie and Grace didn’t know why I was really pissed at him to begin with, so it was best that we just secluded ourselves in my room.
I immediately went to sit on my bed and went into defense mode, arms crossed, eyebrows furrowed, and just sat there waiting for him to speak. He paced for a moment before pausing to look at the picture collage. I knew that he would be noticing the fact that his face wasn’t in a single picture and the fact that it was about half the size that it had been in the past. Finally, he perched himself on the edge of my desk, feet on my chair, and took a preparatory breath before making eye contact with me for the first time since I’d opened the door.
“I don’t really know what to say,” he started.
“Something about how you’re a betraying asshole would probably be appropriate,” I offered.
“I shouldn’t have told Brooklynn about your mom. I was just totally freaked when you told me and I needed someone to talk to about it. I mean, it’s one thing to lose a parent, but it’s a completely different story when they take their own life. It made me realize how little I really knew about you and I needed someone to talk to.”
“What do you mean, that you knew so little about me? I’m still me, Taylor, it’s just part of my past.”
“No Cams, it’s part of your history and it’s huge whether or not you choose to acknowledge that.”
“I’ve worked really hard to not make it huge, Taylor. It took me five years to get to the point where I didn’t think about it every single day, where I didn’t relive every second of what happened. I don’t want to forget my mom, but I want to forget that day and that’s why I don’t tell people about it. It’s just too fucking hard because then it brings everything back again.” We just sat there for a few moments, both of us trying to collect our thoughts. I could practically see the gears turning in Taylor’s brain as he sorted everything out.
“Well, for the record, I’m really sorry that I told her.”
“Well thank you, but I’m not sorry I hit her. That was by far the most awful thing I could ever imagine someone saying to me.”
“You shouldn’t have hit her regardless,” he stated simply, “I understand why you wanted to, but violence rarely solves anything.”
“I know that, but I’ve experienced enough self-guilt and questioning and worry that I don’t ever need other people, especially people who hate me and know nothing about me, putting more of those thoughts in my head. That combined with the mass amounts of alcohol I had consumed just made it all too much.”
“I was hammered. It was not a good night.”
“No, it wasn’t,” I replied. And again, silence fell over the room. Taylor and I weren’t used to letting a conversation drift into nothingness, and as he shifted uncomfortably on my desk, I knew that he was itching to finish our talk.
“I broke up with her,” he said softly, “That night I broke up with her.” If it would have been physically possible for my jaw to hit the floor, it would have right at that moment.
“You what?” I managed.
“I had let so many things with her slide because I liked her so much, but that was just way too far. No one who would talk to one of my friends like that needs to be my girlfriend.”
“What about people who hit your girlfriend? Do they need to be in your life?” I asked hesitantly, terrified of the answer.
“I don’t know any more,” he admitted, dropping his gaze to the floor. I swallowed thickly and nodded. Though I had been mostly prepared for that answer, it still hurt like hell. As angry as I had been at him, now that I knew he had broken up with Brooklynn over the comment, most of that anger subsided. But now, it looked like none of that was going to matter. “I think we need some space.”
“What?!” I asked in a voice closer to hysterics than I would have liked. His comment had blindsided me and I had never been fond of big surprises.
“I just don’t know what else to do. Things can’t keep going on like this and-”
“And so your only solution is to not be friends with me anymore?” I interrupted, sniffing as I fought back tears.
“Cams,” he said, getting off my desk and coming over to squat in front of me, “I’m not saying I want to stop being friends with you for forever, I just think that we both need to take a step back and think about things for awhile.”
“But I don’t have anything to think about,” I choked, hating myself as a tear trickled its way down my cheek.
“Well, I do,” he said softly, “And you do whether or not you realize it. You have to quit shutting people out. It’s not good for you. When you keep people out, it only makes it hurt that much more when they break in.” I broke eye contact with him and stared at the wall, waiting for him to leave, which he did a few seconds later. I let myself collapse backwards onto the bed and started to really cry.
I was more confused than ever. Taylor had just friend-broken-up with me. Sure, I had punched his girlfriend, but only for an offense so awful that it warranted him breaking up with her. If he thought what she had done was so terrible, then why couldn’t he understand my completely instinctual response?
But more than any of that, I was crying because I knew he was right. I knew that I needed to stop keeping the important people in my life blind to the crucial things that had come to develop my character over the years. I had just become so accustomed to keeping those awful little details to myself, it was hard for me to admit them to others. Once I had composed myself, I stood and made my way back out to the living room. My entrance into the living room caused Hunter, Sophie, and Grace to look my way and the same concerned look crossed all of their faces at the same time. I crossed the space between us and sat down right next to Hunter, immediately grabbing his hand in mine for support.
“What happened?” Grace asked me as Sophie turned off the TV. I shook my head lightly. That wasn’t what we needed to talk about. It was time for them to hear the whole story. I cleared my throat and Hunter squeezed my hand supportively. Without my saying a word, he somehow knew that I was about to say something big. And so I started telling them something I had previously only admitted to two other people on the entire planet.
“Guys, I need to tell you about my mom.”