I gently placed Fallon in Isaac’s arms, but almost didn’t let her go. Part of me felt like I would never get her back if I did. He looked up at me and smiled a little as he tried to lower his arms to a more comfortable level.
“It’ll be okay, Julianne. I’m not going to drop her,” he laughed a little uncomfortably, “Oldest of seven kids and uncle of two, remember?”
“Yeah, I know… it’s just that-” I started.
“You don’t have to explain, I understand. I’ll take care of her,” he interrupted, his gaze leaving me and resting on Fallon.
“Isn’t she beautiful?” I asked after a moment, gently touching one of her tiny, onesie-covered feet.
“No,” he said seriously, “She’s perfect.” I laughed out loud.
“You are so corny. I hope she doesn’t inherit your sense of humor,” I chuckled, sitting gingerly on the arm of his chair.
“Oh, you like my sense of humor plenty. Don’t act like you don’t,” he smiled, his eyes leaving Fallon’s now peaceful face to gaze up at me.
We just looked at each other for a moment. I was feeling very strongly for Isaac at that moment, but the emotion I was feeling surprised me. The connection wasn’t what I had hoped it would be when I’d imagined this moment in my perfect-case scenario fantasies. In those daydreams, he had swept me into his arms and tearfully asked me to marry him. Looking at him now, I knew that it wouldn’t happen, and it shouldn’t.
“I don’t love you, Isaac,” I blurted before I could stop the words from escaping my mouth. I prepared myself for him to look offended or upset, but his expression didn’t change.
“I know,” he stated simply, turning his attention back to a stirring Fallon, “I don’t love you either. I mean, I’m not in love with you.” I gave him a half smile and nodded.
“I care about you, though. Very much,” I told him.
“Me too,” was his simple response.
We sunk back into silence while we both stared at Fallon. She was just laying there calmly, looking up at us. More than anything, I wanted to know what was going through her little baby brain. Did she know who Isaac was? I knew it was ridiculous, but I really wanted her to somehow inherently know that he was her father even though he hadn’t been around during my pregnancy. Maybe he would haved talked to her through my swollen belly, or would have even sung to her. The thought of how his smooth voice would have soothed me during the scarier parts of the last nine months made my eyes sting. I really wanted to believe what I’d told him, that I had been meant to go through it alone, but the sad and lonely parts of me just couldn’t. Even though he was finally there and holding our daughter in his arms, I couldn’t shove those lonely feelings aside.
“So what do we do?” I asked after several minutes, as I pried myself from my thoughts.
“We raise our daughter.”
“No, Isaac. I raise our daughter. I already told you, I didn’t contact you so you would help or pay for things or anything like that. I just wanted you to know.”
“Well, I never got your letters so you didn’t contact me at all. I came here, I found out, and I’m not going to let you tell me that I’m not going to help raise her,” he said, frustration and hurt evident in his voice.
I’d had so much time to think things over and had thought that raising her on my own would be the best thing for both of us. Obviously, I’d sold Isaac short. The fact that I had done so made me feel rather stupid as I sat there and watched him hold her, because she was made to fit perfectly in his arms the same way she was a snug-fitting little puzzle piece in my own.
“How can you help raise her when you tour all the time? I’m not raising her on a tour bus,” I told him.
“What I came here to tell you tonight is that we just moved to New York. Taylor, Zac, and I all got places here so we can work easily. We’ll still tour, but we’ll be based out of New York now. And because of that, I know that you and I can make this work.”
“I’m not moving in with you,” I said, “It would be too weird since we’re not a couple. And besides, this is my apartment.”
“You can not raise Fallon in this apartment. She would never have her own room, it’s not in the best neighborhood-”
“I have done the best I could!” I interrupted. My jaw tightened as I fought back tears. Seeing this, he took his free hand and placed it on my knee. I wanted to jerk away from him touch after he had just insulted my apartment so badly, but he held on tightly, seeming to want me to calm down and focus so he could continue.
“I know that, and you’ve done fine. I know that this place is the best you can do, but it’s not the best I can do. Let me get you a condo in my building. That way, you can be close, but still have your independence and space,” he offered.
“I can’t have you just paying for everything.”
“I won’t. You’ll pay me what you can, when you can. Okay?” I felt small and helpless, but knew that despite my pride I had to agree. It was what was best for Fallon, but that didn’t mean I had to like it.
“Sure,” I practically mumbled, my gaze not leaving my hands which were still a little fatter than they had been the last time we’d seen each other.
“Good! I’ll talk to the owner of the building tomorrow,” he grinned.
I forced a returned smile and pretended to listen to him talk about how he was going to turn his guest bedroom into a room for Fallon. My heart was pounding in my ears and deep breaths weren’t slowing it. I was falling away from everything I had ever known. This apartment was the one I had lived in for the last six years. I had moved in the day I arrived in the city, and the thought of leaving it made me want to cry.
Money had never come easy in my life. I had grown up in Elizabeth, New Jersey, about a half hour drive from the city during good traffic, which almost never existed. My dad worked his ass off as a mailman in a bad neighborhood and my mom was one hell of a waitress, dealing with drunken scum at three in the morning, but the fact that they were good at what they did didn’t inflate their incomes.
I had always worked for the things I had, and I’d never had anything handed to me in my life. Now, I was going to be moving into a cushy condo in a part of the city that I had only ever walked through in awe, and I would be living there paying only what I could when I could afford to pay it. I wasn’t earning it, it was being pushed at me.
“Julianne, are you okay?” Isaac asked me, “You look really pale.” I looked at him and knew that he meant well, so I nodded, feeling guilty for my self-pity party.
He wanted Fallon and I to move into his building so he could see her whenever he wanted, and also so Fallon could be raised in a safe and comfortable home. I wanted that, too, but not when I couldn’t afford it. I knew when I decided to have Fallon that our lives wouldn’t necessarily be easy, but I had her because she was mine and I wanted her more than anything in the world. I knew that she would be worth the work and the money and the time.
“Yeah, sorry. Just overwhelmed by everything, I think,” I said, thankful that I didn’t have to lie about that, at least.
“It’s okay, I was just saying that I’m going to tell my brothers about all of this over lunch tomorrow.”
“Are you sure?” I asked, my eyes widening a little at the thought.
“Well, I can’t just pretend like you two don’t exist,” he laughed, “And I would really like you to be there.”
“No, Isaac. That is a very bad idea.” A hundred terrible possibilities for how they would react flew into my mind, all of them more awful than the ones I had imagined in Isaac alone.
“It’ll be fine! Taylor and Zac are great. They’ll understand.” I nodded slowly, but all I could imagine was a massacre of epic, brotherly proportions.
“I know they’ll understand eventually. I just don’t know if throwing Fallon and I in their faces right away would be the best approach.”
“I guess it might be a little overwhelming. I know I was surprised when Taylor and Kenzie showed up and announced that she was pregnant, and they had been dating for awhile,” he told me, his gaze drifting to some random location in the apartment as he thought things over.
“So, why don’t you have lunch with them, and Fallon and I will be some place down the street. If things go well, you can bring them to meet us,” I suggested.
“You’re so smart. I hope she gets your brains,” he teased, giving my knee a squeeze, gentler this time.
“Me too,” I smiled. Maybe things would be okay after all.