March ended a week later and things were still incredibly weird. Taylor was becoming more and more distant. Hunter and I were still hooking up because frankly, the sex was way too good to give up, especially when we were managing to keep it from the one person I didn’t want to know. Taylor had a way of never letting things go, and I was starting to have the shaking feeling that he had no inkling of my feelings whatsoever.
I was becoming increasingly emotional as the week went on and I couldn’t figure it out. Grace was spending more and more time with Trevor, who Sophie and I still hadn’t met, and Sophie was spending her usual amount of time with David. I found myself alone a lot that week, something I had never liked. It reminded me of the quietness of my home and I had come to college and lived with two roommates to ensure that it didn’t happen. Yeah right.
I found myself particularly bored on a Sunday afternoon and called Hunter to just come over to hang out. His company was really enjoyable, and I thought that it might be good to try to find a friend in Hunter. Something to pair the benefits side of our relationship with. We ordered Chinese delivery and were watching “Animal House” when a loud knock sounded on the door.
“Come in!” I yelled with a mouthful of spring roll.
“Oh, that was attractive,” Hunter teased, poking me in the side with a chopstick as the door swung open. Taylor walked in the door followed by Zac and another guy I didn’t recognize.
“Hunter?” Zac asked, “What are you doing here, man?” Hunter looked at him incredulously before standing to go over to them. I followed hesitantly, because frankly, I had no idea what was going on.
“What does it look like I’m doing? We’re watching a movie and eating Chinese food,” he said, “And I think I should be asking you what you’re doing here. Oh, hey Isaac.”
“Hey Hunter. Good to see you,” Isaac replied. I stood there feeling really uncomfortable, waiting for an introduction to whom I now knew to be Taylor’s older brother. “You must be Cameron.” He stuck out his hand for me to shake.
“Hi Isaac, Zac,” I said, returning Isaac’s hand before instinctively stepping back in line with Hunter. Taylor was just standing there looking at me with a faint smile playing over his lips. I wanted to smack it right off, but I’d never particularly believed in physical violence.
“So you two hang out now?” Taylor asked, completely ignoring the exchange of niceties that had just taken place.
“Yeah, I can have friends other than you, you know. There’s no law against that,” I said, quoting him word for word and making him stiffen.
“Touche,” was all he said before turning his attention to the rest of the group, “Well, my brothers surprised me for a visit, thought you might want to come along to dinner later, Cams. Hunter, you’re welcome to come, too.”
“Yeah, sure,” I said.
“Me, too. Where are we going?” Hunter asked.
“Brown Bottle,” Isaac said, “I have to eat there every time I come here, it’s just too good.”
“Okay, you want to meet us there at 6:30?” Taylor asked. I nodded, “Great, it’s a date.” I was sure that I was the only one who caught his inflection on the word ‘date.’ With that, they left, leaving Hunter and I alone once more.
“What’s Taylor’s problem? If he doesn’t know about us, then why is he being such a dick. Oh wait, because he is a dick,” Hunter said, leading the way back over to the futon. I didn’t say a word, I just resumed my attack on my lunch. “Are you okay?”
“I just don’t get him, that’s all. He’s hardly spoken to me in two weeks, and now I’m invited to dinner with his brothers? What, has Brooklynn retreated to the Underworld for the day or something?” I asked, not really expecting an answer. Hunter just patted my knee and handed me the remote.
“I think it means he’s not ready to give up on your friendship, Cammy,” he said. I hoped he was right. I didn’t know why I could talk to Hunter about this stuff and he still wanted to be around me, but he did and that made him a damned good guy in my opinion. We finished the movie and then he left with the understanding that I’d pick him up for dinner at six.
We arrived at dinner right on time and found them seated as per usual in the smoking section, a cigarette dangling from Taylor’s fingertips. He made it really hard for me to stay on the wagon.
“Hey guys!” Zac said. Hunter took the chair beside him and I sat across from Hunter, next to Taylor.
“Well, I sure have heard a lot about you, Cameron,” Isaac said, effectively breaking the ice.
“Oh, is that so?” I asked, wondering if he had the same impression of me that Zac had had when he arrived.
“Yeah,” he laughed, “And I must say that I’m glad to finally meet you.”
“It’s nice to meet you, too. I was starting to think that Taylor just made you up for stories or something,” I said, trying to be as polite to Isaac as possible. For some reason, I felt like I needed to be on my best behavior in front of him, as least as much as I could.
“Oh stop being so polite, Isaac already knows what a smartass you are,” Taylor said, giving me a nudge with his elbow. Fine, if he wanted a smart ass, then he was going to get it.
“Where’s Brooklynn tonight, Taylor?” I asked, taking a bite of my bread and refusing to break eye contact with him.
“I don’t know. Why?” he asked, “And I thought we were past this, anyway.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I just asked you a simple question,” I said, before leaning over and whispering, “You’ve been spending so much time with her lately, I was just curious as to why I’m here at this table tonight instead of her.” Taylor didn’t answer me, he just sat back in his chair and took a long drag of his cigarette. Isaac cleared his throat and turned to Hutner.
“So, how’s life here at Iowa been?” he asked.
“It’s been really good. The theater program is great, it’s just too bad all of the shows are done for the year now. It’ll be even better when Zac’s here next year, though,” he said with a smile.
“Heck yeah! Next year’s going to be awesome,” Zac stated, “Then hopefully Hunter won’t have to live by himself anymore.”
“Oh, having the single room hasn’t been so bad,” Hunter said, sneaking a glance at me before looking at Zac.
“Yeah, then you can bring girls back to the room and not bother anybody,” Taylor said.
“Yeah, that’s what I meant, Taylor,” Hunter said, an edge forming in his voice. I could feel the testosterone level rising at the table, and I knew that I needed to do something fast. Thankfully, the waitress came over to take our orders, breaking the tension before I had to come up with something creative. The rest of the conversation was civil. Isaac took the lead most of the time, getting to know me a little better and obviously trying to make sure that there were no more spats.
As we were on our way out of the restaurant, Taylor grabbed my arm and held me back.
“Look, my brothers are taking off now. Can you come hang out with me?” he asked. I’d already made plans to go over to Hunter’s, but I figured he would understand.
“Yeah, I can do that,” I said, noticing the urgency in Taylor’s eyes, “Is everything okay?” He lightly shook his head.
“Just come up after you drop Hunter off, okay?” I nodded, and headed to my car, seeing that Hunter had just heard that last comment. He just sighed and started walking to my car ahead of me.
“I thought you were coming over,” he said once we were both settled in my car and driving away.
“Taylor asked me to come up, and he said that something was wrong. I need to go talk to him.” He just looked out the window. “Look, I need to do this, okay?”
“Cammy, you need to stop this, seriously. You’re like a masochist or something,” he stated, watching the scenery pass.
“I don’t really recall asking for your opinion on the matter, Hunter.”
“Please don’t cop your attitude with me. I’m just trying to help because I’m sick to death of watching him walk all over you and you letting him do it. He uses you for his convenience and it pisses me off,” he said, still not looking at me.
“And how could you possibly know all of this after knowing me for two weeks?” I asked, shifting uncomfortably in my seat.
“You’re like an open book,” he said, “At least you are to me. I see everything, and I don’t understand why you waste your time when…”
“When what?” I asked, partly out of annoyance and partly out of true curiosity.
“When there are people out there who might actually want to be with you and treat you right. God, Cameron. What the hell do you see in him?”
“One, are you talking about yourself, Hunter? Because I thought we were clear on our arrangement.”
“No, I’m not talking about me,” he said softly, and I hoped he was being honest. I didn’t need even more drama in my life than was currently in place.
“Okay then, two. I see in Taylor what everyone else fails to see. I see the person he can be, the one that he doesn’t show to everyone. That’s what I see in Taylor, the good guy beneath the asshole exterior.”
“Then why don’t you expect him to see big-hearted person beneath your hard exterior? Why are you settling for something so one-sided?” I couldn’t answer him. Everything he was saying was true and it was making me so angry I wanted him out of my car immediately. I bit my lower lip and tried to keep it from trembling as I forced back the tears that were threatening to show themselves.
“Bye,” I managed as I pulled up in front of his dorm. He didn’t get out, he just sat there and looked at me.
“I’m sorry I upset you. I didn’t mean to. I just want you to be happy,” he said before unbuckling his seatbelt and reaching for the handle.
“I’m fine. I’ll talk to you later,” I said, staring straight ahead into the shine of the headlights before me. He hesitated a moment before getting out and walking away. My hand collided with the center of my steering wheel without the recognition that I had raised my hand. Punching my car didn’t make me feel any better. In fact, now all I had were the stray tears now trickling down my cheeks and a some sore knuckles.
I shook out my hand as I walked back to my dorm building wondering what could be wrong with Taylor. Was he going to apologize for being so distant lately? Maybe he just wanted to spend some time together since we hadn’t done that much in the last couple of weeks. Maybe it had finally broken through to him what a heinous wench Brooklynn was and he was going to tell me that I had always been right.
Nah. I wasn’t that lucky.
When I reached his room, I found the door unlocked and the lights off with only the TV casting a glow in the room. Taylor was laying on his back on the futon, blankly staring ahead at the screen and didn’t move even as he heard me enter.
“Hey, what’s going on?” I asked. He just patted the futon next to him and still didn’t sit up. “You’re starting to freak me out.”
“I’m sorry, I just needed you here, that’s all,” he said, motioning for me to lay down next to him. My heart started beating so loudly I was sure he would be able to hear it as the space between our bodies disappeared. “My dad died thirteen years ago today. That’s why Isaac and Zac were here. I just needed to be with someone who understands.”
I didn’t say a word because I did understand. “I’m sorry” and “Oh you poor thing” are nice and all, but they don’t speak the volumes that a simple hug can. My arm slid across his chest and pulled him close to me. I laid my head on his shoulder, feeling guilty for cherishing the contact due to the circumstances. He smelled faintly of cigarettes and soap, a dizzying combination that made me instinctively pull him closer and in turn causing him to turn onto his side so that we were facing each other. I wanted to kiss him and he was so close that I could have without effort. Instead, I just comfortingly traced my hand up and down his back.
“I just wish I remembered him.”
I couldn’t respond, because that I didn’t understand. I had been old enough that I remembered everything about my mother, and I wouldn’t lie to him and say that I felt the same way. He didn’t need to hear that anyway. All he needed was someone there who wouldn’t think he was crazy for needing to still be like this thirteen years after someone’s death.
“Thank you for coming, Cams,” he whispered as he looked deep into my eyes.
I wanted so desperately to see something hidden there behind the blue. Love, desire, need, anything. Instead he just closed his eyes and let his head really relax into the pillow. If sleep was what he needed, then I would let him have it. I lay there beside him and watched him fall asleep as a potential moment between us slipped away.
There we were, all alone in his dark room in each others arms and not so much as a kiss on the cheek had taken place. Hunter’s words echoed through my head and I tried to shut them out, to convince myself that I had done the right thing by coming over so he could say three sentences to me before falling asleep. I so badly wanted to believe that my presence here had really eased his mind and made him more at peace on this day.
It wasn’t until his phone rang and I heard him say “Hey Brooklynn. Yeah, I’ll be right over,” that my hopes were completely shattered. As we left his room together and he continued down the stairs while I stopped on my floor, I swore I heard a door slam, because I felt myself being completely and totally shut out.