You Irritate Me // Heinous Asshat (Chapter 7)

“Awww, look how pretty and shiny you are,” Kinsey mockingly cooed as Taylor stepped out of the bathroom, a black towel tied snugly around his waist. She smacked the now hairless skin of his chest before stepping inside, shutting the door in his face and locking it before he could respond. It was her birthday and she couldn’t have been in a better mood. The day had started with a wonderful breakfast of French toast and eggs cooked by Isaac and mimosas prepared by Zac. Taylor had been absent for most of the morning, which was fine by Kinsey. Ever since she’d waxed his chest earlier in the week, he’d been acting weird and moody and that was the last thing she wanted to deal with on her birthday.

The guys had really spoiled her when it came to birthdays. When they started going on tour, they frequently missed her birthday, so they had taken to giving her a big celebration whenever they got to see her next. It had become a tradition ever since, and they always managed to give her a great and memorable day. Tifani’s flight was scheduled to come in at seven, and they were going to go out to dinner at Dos Caminos and then head out to the clubs for lots of drinking and dancing. The clock on the bathroom counter read 4 o’clock, leaving Kinsey plenty of time to shower and primp for the evening.

When she finally emerged from the bathroom over a half hour later, Isaac came running up the stairs.

“A package just came for you!” he said, grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the stairs excitedly.

“Can I put some clothes on first?” she laughed, looking down at her robe-clad body.

“No way, it’s huge and I want to know what it is and who it’s from,” Isaac told her, leading her down the stairs where Zac and Taylor were inspecting the package by tapping on it, lifting it, shaking it, and in Zac’s case, sniffing it.

“Hey! What if it’s breakable?” Kinsey asked.

“Then it’s now very broken,” Zac laughed before handing her a pocket knife, “Now open up this bad boy.” Kinsey carefully took the knife from his outstretched hand and used it to open the box which stood almost as tall as she did. Once it was open, Zac helped her carefully tip it on its side so they could slide the Styrofoam block to the ground. Two more swipes of the knife later and they were carefully pulling the two large Styrofoam halves apart to reveal a present that could only have been sent to her by Tifani.

“What the hell is it?” Taylor asked, crinkling up his nose and look at it with disdain.

“An awesome giant giraffe statue! Tifani’s the best!!” she exclaimed, elbowing Zac so he’d get the hint that he was supposed to help her stand it up.

“Okay, but why a giant giraffe statue?” Isaac asked.

“It all started with a Mad Lib back in the day. Please don’t ask,” she laughed, smoothing her hand down its multicolored, crazily-painted back, “Best present so far.”

“Psh. Only present so far,” Zac said dismissively, “Just wait until dinner, Kins.”

“Mmmm. I can’t wait. Guacamole and margaritas and presents here I come!” she said. After almost a minute of coaxing, she got Taylor to agree to help Zac carry the giraffe upstairs to her room while she finished getting ready.

Tifani’s flight was only a few minutes late, and after an excessive amount of hugging and “I missed you”s they were off to their reservation at Dos Caminos.

“You couldn’t have gotten a limo? You know… with champagne?” Tifani questioned from her squished position between Taylor and Isaac in the backseat of the taxi van.

“Yeah, aren’t you guys famous or something?” Kinsey asked. She couldn’t help but constantly eye the stack of presents that were sitting on the empty seat next to Zac.

“We should’ve put Kinsey farther away from those,” Taylor said to Isaac, nodding his head in the direction of the gifts, “You know how she gets.”

“Well Taylor, if your gift from last year is any indication, I should be up here anticipating what… Play Dough? Legoes?”

“You love that Nerf gun,” Taylor muttered.

“Love shooting you with it,” she said under her breath, though not quiet enough for it to be lost on the others riding in the van. Zac just reached out his hand to accept a low-five from Kinsey. When they reached Dos Caminos, Zac paid the driver and he and Isaac finagled the stack of presents into the restaurant. Once they were seated with a pitcher of margaritas and some guacamole and chips on the table, Kinsey was finally allowed to open her presents.

“Open mine first,” Isaac said, sliding a small box across the table to her. She grinned like a little kid on Christmas and tore open the paper, shoving it unnoticed to the floor before opening the Tiffany box. Inside was a necklace with a cursive K pendant. “I saw it in the store and thought it was very Kinsey.”

“I love it! It’s perfect! Thank you so much, Isaac!” she exclaimed, taking it carefully from the box and holding it in Taylor’s direction, who she’d gotten stuck sitting next to, “Will you put it on for me?”

“Are your fingers broken?” he countered, mouth half full of chips.

“Are you a heinous asshat?” she spat, turning and handing it to Zac, who did the job without complaining.

“Me next!” Zac said, setting a stack of three presents held together with ribbon in front of her. Kinsey opened the top present and found a tiara inside. “You already act like a princess, I just thought that we should make it official.”

“Birthday crown! Score!” Kinsey did a little dance in her seat as Zac placed it on her head. She opened the second to find the pair of red Steve Madden pointed toe heels she’d drooled over every time they walked past a small boutique that had them in a window display. The final present in the stack was very thin and she actually opened it carefully after being scolded by Zac to do so. Inside was a 12-month calendar, each month with a picture of them from throughout the years, starting with one of them at ages 3 and 2 where Kinsey was holding a large blown up baseball bat by Zac’s head and grinning wickedly and ending with one from New Years Eve earlier that year. “Zac, this is so amazing!”

“It took me forever to narrow it down to twelve pictures, but I think it turned out really great,” he shrugged, being his ever humble self.

“I want to see it!” Tifani said, snatching it unceremoniously from Kinsey’s hands and flipping through it with Isaac.

“Thank you so much, Zaccy,” Kinsey smiled, giving his hand a quick squeeze before cleaning up the paper and setting it on the floor next to her chair.

“I guess that leaves me,” Taylor said once everyone had calmed down again. He set his present in front of her. Kinsey took a deep breath before unwrapping it. The year before Kinsey had gotten a Nerf gun from Taylor and the year before that it had been a year long membership to the Mushroom of the Month club even though Kinsey had hated mushrooms since she was a little kid. She honestly had no idea what to expect, so when she opened the lid to the box and saw its contents, she gasped out loud.

“How awful is it?” Isaac asked, pouring himself another margarita. Kinsey ignored the question and continued to stare into the box.

“Is this for real?” she asked, turning to face Taylor.

“Read the card,” he replied simply. She picked up the note card sized piece of paper that was tucked into the frame and read it aloud.

“Original production drawing from ‘Cheerios’- Road Runner,” she said, still unable to process what was sitting in the box in front of her. Kinsey had dressed up as the Road Runner for Halloween at least six times and as recently as the previous Halloween. She had always loved the character, had any Looney Tunes VHS tapes and DVDs that had Road Runner cartoons on them, and here was an original drawing of him and it was hers.

“Wow…” Tifani said, “Can I see it?” Kinsey clutched the box to her chest protectively and they all laughed at her.

“Thank you so much, Taylor,” Kinsey said sincerely, still slightly in shock. It was not only the most thoughtful gift she’d ever received, but the fact that it was from Taylor of all people was all the more unseemly. They finished dinner, sharing their entrees in addition to several pitchers of margaritas. The original plan was to go out to the bars, but they had all drank plenty and were more in the mood to sit around and talk than go out to the loud clubs and dance.

“And she still has the crown on,” Isaac laughed as Kinsey danced on the stairs to their building as Taylor struggled with the lock.

“Because I’m the birthday princess,” she sang, terribly off key.

“Thank you for demonstrating why we never let you in the band,” Zac teased, slinging an arm around her shoulders and kissing her cheek as her mouth turned into an overly dramatic frown.

“Whatevah. I don’t need your band! I’m working at Macy’s, bitches!” she exclaimed, resuming her dance once more.

“Come on, go inside,” Taylor said to her, pointing at the now open door, “You look like Elaine.”

“There were no thumbs and it did not look like a full-body dry heave,” she said, poking him in the chest as she passed and then heading down the hallway, “Aww… I miss ‘Seinfeld.’”

“You could help us carry these, your highness,” Tifani laughed, carrying one of Kinsey’s presents. Kinsey just ignored her and kept dancing her way down the hallway to the music apparently only she could hear. Once they were inside, they opened a bottle of wine and got comfortable in the living room.

“So, did you have a good birthday?” Isaac asked Kinsey as she flung herself down in an arm chair, almost spilling her Merlot all over the purple and black dress she had purchased just for her birthday.

“I did. Good presents, good food, good company. I can’t complain,” she shrugged, relishing in the warm feeling the wine was spreading through her chest.

“I just can’t believe you didn’t want to go out to the bars and pick up someone,” Tifani laughed, “You know, have a really happy birthday.” Kinsey thought about it for a second.

“That does sound awfully tempting…”

“Oh here we go,” Taylor rolled his eyes, “Keep it clean, Kins, you’re in mixed company.” She rolled her eyes right back at him and settled into her chair, sipping her wine and watching her best friends joke around with each other. She loved the guys and they had always been a huge part of her life, but she truly missed having Tifani around. Not only did she keep things interesting, but she provided some additional and much needed estrogen to keep the guys under control.

“Really? You’re just going to put your feet up on the table with your shoes on?” Tifani asked Zac. Kinsey scoffed.

“Don’t bother, Tif. They’re animals.”

“Like you’re perfect,” Zac said, reaching over to lightly kick her leg with his foot.

“Of course I’m not perfect. But I’m also not a dirty, smelly boy.”

“None of us smell,” Taylor said.

“You just think you don’t smell because you’re used to your own stink,” Kinsey said matter-of-factly. Taylor, who was already getting up to head to the kitchen for more wine, looked incredibly irritated. He came over and bent down, putting his neck in her face.

“Do I smell?” he asked. Knowing she couldn’t get him away from her without complying with his request, she leaned forward and inhaled, finding herself surprised to catch a faint whiff of cologne laying there.

“Surprisingly… no,” she said. He made a face at her before heading for the kitchen.

“So, what are we going to do for the rest of the weekend?” Isaac asked, “Or rather, what does Tifani want to do while she’s in town?”

“As long as I’m with you guys, I’m good,” she said sincerely.

“Awww! Tif misses us!” Zac exclaimed goofily, throwing his arms around her in a giant bear hug.

“Get your drunk ass off me,” she laughed, pushing on him until he finally released her from his grasp. They eventually decided to watch “Anchorman,” but once they started dozing, Isaac and Zac headed for bed, followed closely by Tifani who headed for the makeshift guest room they’d made for her in the studio, leaving Taylor and Kinsey to pick up the mess.

“I can’t believe you’re not throwing a fit having to pick up on your birthday,” Taylor said to her as they both shuffled to the kitchen with handfuls of wine glasses and bottles. She just shrugged and set them on the counter.

“I’ll bring them in here but I’m not doing anything with them. That can wait until the morning,” she said resolutely before turning off the light behind them. They made their way up the stairs in silence, Taylor repeatedly bumping into her shoulder on purpose and Kinsey to drunk and happy to care.

“That is some dress,” Taylor said, surveying her outfit as they went into the bathroom to brush their teeth.

“I know and I can’t believe I wasted it on you dorks,” she said.

“Yeah, you usually save your slutty clothes for when we go out to the bars,” Taylor smiled, ducking from her reach before she could even muster up the energy to hit him.

“It’s not slutty!” she said, her mouth now full of toothpaste.

“If that’s what you want to tell yourself, then that’s fine.” She aggressively spit her toothpaste into the sink and rinsed her mouth before stomping out of the room.

“You know, Taylor. Would it kill you to just once tell me that I look nice? Isaac and Zac tell me all the time that I look nice but all you can ever do is make snide remarks and call me a slut!” Kinsey ranted before going into her room. She grabbed the edge of her door and slammed it shut, but it was stopped by Taylor’s hand.

“I never said you didn’t look nice,” Taylor said before repeating the sentiment, “I never said that.” Then, he took the liberty of closing her door, letting the latch catch softly instead of the big bang she’d been hoping for.

Kinsey forced herself to take a deep breath before changing out of her dress and putting on some shorts and a plain gray tank. Once her dress was hung up safely in her closet ready to be taken to the dry cleaners, she went to shut off her light. She was halted, however, by the presents on her dresser. First, she replaced the Far Side calendar on her wall with the one Zac had given her. Then, she took off the necklace Isaac had given her and put it safely in her jewelry box. She put the shoes that Zac had given her neatly on the floor of her closet and set her tiara on top of her TV. Once all of that was done, all that remained was the box containing Taylor’s present. The mere sight of it made her stomach tingle with excitement.

It was still completely unseemly that an original drawing of Road Runner was hers, that she could hang it on her wall and look at it every day. Taylor had obviously put some serious money into the present as well as a lot of thought, both of which were completely uncharacteristic for him and his history of gift giving. He even usually bought joke gifts for his family, buying them things they would get a kick out of rather than things they truly wanted or needed. The amazing thing about this gift was that it was something Kinsey would never have thought to ask for or seek out on her own. It was the perfect gift for her and somehow, Taylor of all people had come up with it.

She laid down in bed and tried to go to sleep but the drawing, now on her bedside table, kept calling to her, drawing her eyes open to look at it just one more time. Kinsey wasn’t sure if it was only because she was in disbelief that she owned it or if it was confusion as to why Taylor’s record with gift buying had changed so drastically with this gift. Regardless, she needed to know the answer to the last question.

After giving the drawing one more fleeting glance, she opened and closed her bedroom door before knocking lightly on Taylor’s. He called out for the knocker to enter and she did so to find Taylor sitting at his desk surfing the net.

“What’s up?” he asked as she shut the door behind her. It was then that Kinsey realized she hadn’t really been in Taylor’s room since he’d finished decorating it. The walls were a very deep red and his bed, a four poster black “monstrosity,” as Isaac had referred to it, complemented the room perfectly with its plush and pristine white bedspread.

“Nice room,” she commented, not really meaning to speak the words aloud.

“Thanks,” he said, turning to face her, obviously to learn the real reason for her very unusual visit to his room.

“Why did you get me the drawing?” Kinsey decided that getting right to the point was really the best route to take in the situation. She was tired and beating around the bush didn’t sound appealing in the slightest.

“Um, it’s your birthday. See, in many cultures such as ours, people give gifts to others on the day of their birth.”

“Taylor, come on, I’m being serious!”

“Fine. Do you like the present?”

“Of course I do,” she hesitated, “It’s the best gift I’ve ever gotten.”

“Then just enjoy it and let it go,” he said uncomfortably, standing and heading for his dresser where he started fussing with the things on top of it to avoid making eye contact with her.

“Taylor, you gave me a Nerf gun last year. One year you gave me a giant inflatable penis. Another year you gave me a Chia Pet head. Do you see where I’m going with this?”

“Obviously not,” he said, still not looking at her.

“Why is this year different? Why did you give me the perfect present?” He looked at her exasperatedly and almost pleadingly, as if he was begging her to stop, but Kinsey would have none of it. “Taylor, just tell me.” He sighed a long, drawn out sigh before turning to lean himself against his dresser.

“I was thinking about what to get you, and as soon as I thought of it, I couldn’t stop until I found what I was looking for. I knew it would make you happy,” he shrugged.

“But you’ve never cared about whether or not your gifts would make me happy before,” she pointed out.

“And I might not ever care again, so just enjoy it, okay?”

“I am. I’m just a little confused, that’s all,” she confessed, going to stand right in front of him.

“Well don’t be,” he said, “Enjoy the last few minutes of your birthday.”

“I think my birthday was over a few hours ago,” she admitted.

“Nope. It’s your birthday until you go to sleep.”

“Well, thank you again, Taylor. And I meant it when I said it was the best present I’d ever gotten,” she said. She looked at him for a second, at last taking in the blue scrub pants slung low on his hips and the wifebeater tank fitting snugly against his torso. The twinge she’d felt in the pit of her stomach after waking from her dream earlier in the week returned and she felt herself taking a step forward before she could stop herself. To make up for what could have been a very awkward move on her part, she reached out to hug him, thankful that it was appropriate in the situation since she’d just thanked him again for the wonderful present. While she normally would have pulled back quickly from a hug with Taylor to avoid a potential bout of teasing, she relished the rare kind moment between them and sunk against him as he hugged her tightly. She found her nose next to his neck and again took the time to note how much she liked his subtle cologne.”I like your cologne.”

“I told you I didn’t smell,” he laughed lightly, but still didn’t let her go. Instead, he tilted his head to lightly sniff the sensitive spot right below her ear. Kinsey couldn’t help but shiver at the light contact of his nose against that place. “You don’t smell so bad yourself.”

“Thank you,” she said, running her hands down his back before reluctantly pulling from his embrace and attempting to take a half step back, but Taylor held her by the elbows, close to his body. “What are you doing?”

“I don’t know,” he said softly and honestly before pulling her body flush against his and pressing his lips to hers.

For a fleeting moment, Kinsey considered pulling away from Taylor’s insistent kisses, but it felt so good in her intoxicated birthday-giddy state, that stopping the wonderful flood of sensations quickly moved to a very low spot on her list of priorities. One second, the words “What are you doing?!” would pass through her brain, and the next second she was allowing him to slide his hands under the back of her shirt. Kinsey had no idea how it had started, but she certainly didn’t want to stop to ask as his mouth moved to her neck, kissing the skin there exactly like Dream Taylor had. It was then that all questioning and rationale flew out the window.

Kinsey grabbed the bottom of his tank top and pulled it over his head, breaking the almost desperate contact of their lips for a mere second before dropping it beside them. His tongue moved sinuously against hers as her fingertips danced over his taut stomach, loving the chance to find out what it felt like after a week of speculation. Taylor worked to remove Kinsey’s own top, almost growling when he revealed that she wasn’t wearing a bra underneath. One of his hands moved to explore her newly exposed flesh while the other went back to her hip, pulling her lower body closer to his and putting her in direct contact with the hardening bulge in his pants.

“Oh god,” Kinsey groaned, completely overwhelmed with the sensations.

“Do you want to stop?” he asked breathlessly in her ear. Instead of responding, Kinsey untied his pants and shoved them to the floor along with his boxers. Before she got the chance to take in the entirely new visual experience of naked Taylor, he spun them around and pushed her shorts to the ground before lifting her and setting her down on the edge of his dresser. Parts of Kinsey’s brain wanted her to slow down and to process what was happening, but in this situation, her body was winning over her brain and all she could do was hook her legs around him and pull him closer until he was fully inside of her. Almost half a minute passed before Kinsey realized neither of them had moved at all.

“Are you okay?” she asked, smoothing her hands down his arms, the ones she had watched flex while he played the piano a thousand times before, but had never fully appreciated until right then.

He nodded and mumbled an apology into her neck before starting a steady rhythm with his hips. The feelings Taylor was eliciting in Kinsey were so unlike anything she’d experienced before that all she could do was hold on and try to match his movements with her own body. If someone had asked her how long they’d gone at it before Kinsey lost control, her fingernails digging half moons into the smooth skin of Taylor’s back and bringing him right after her, she wouldn’t have been able to come up with even a close estimate. Once he was able to do so, Taylor took an almost staggering step back to sit on the edge of his bed.

“What did we just do?” he asked, acting like he’d just woken up from a dream.

“Do you really need me to explain it to you?” Kinsey retorted nervously, lowering herself gingerly to the ground and quickly pulling her clothes back on. She could feel Taylor’s eyes on her as he bent over to grab his pants and slid them on before forcing himself to stand.

“Sorry, I just… I mean….” he stammered before smiling, “Wow.”

“Pretty much,” Kinsey said, desperately wanting him to stop looking at her with that half smile on his face. It was definitely not a look she was used to getting from Taylor. “I should, uh, go to bed.”

“Yeah,” Taylor said, ruffling the back of his hair and watching as she walked towards the door. “Kinsey!”

“Yeah?” she asked, pausing with her hand on the doorknob.

“Happy birthday.”

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